Auxiliary bodhisattva ethical restraints 35-39

• Various ways of helping others in different circumstances
• Situations when it is best not to help
• How to assist others in eliminating their suffering
• Repaying the kindness that has been shown to you

Gomchen Lamrim 98: Auxiliary Bodhisattva Ethical Restraints 35-39 (download)

Motivation

It’s always good to come back again and again to the fact that we live interdependently with all of the different beings.  Although we may not live close to any of them, in one way or another they affect us.  A butterfly flapping its wings in Singapore can affect things over here.  Also, because we’ve been related in previous lives, and we’ve received kindness from them many times in previous lives, and will be related to them in many different ways in future lives as well, there’s nowhere in this universe where we can go where we are not in relationship to each and every living being. 

While sometimes we may say in anger, “I’m cutting off this relationship,” actually we can never end the relationship, which is changing.  We are always in relationship to all other beings.  So, seeing that, we understand that it’s good if we care about each other, good if we expand our mind, and good that we think of happiness and not just what pleases us but of what pleases others as well.  Similarly, when we think of suffering, it’s important not just to think about our pains, but the miseries of other living beings as well. 

Seeing that we and others are basically the same in wanting happiness and not suffering, and that they’ve been tremendously kind to us in the past, in the present, and will be in the future, it’s only suitable that we return that kindness, that we feel it in our hearts towards other sentient beings.  The best way to do this is by aiming to attain full awakening ourselves so that we’ll have all the qualities necessary to really influence others in a very positive way.  With that kind of motivation, we’ll listen to the teachings this evening. 

What do I want

This mind that automatically thinks, “My happiness, my pain, my suffering, my problems, my confusion, my wellbeing, my future, my career, my family, my job, my social class, my image in front of other people, my body, my health, my reputation” is exhausting, isn’t it?  Yes, it’s totally exhausting: “My, my, my.”  And this kind of focus on ourselves in this way makes us more miserable because we interpret everything in terms of how it affects me and make a big deal out of everything that affects me, and of course much smaller deals out of things that affect other people.  We become very sensitive to everything people say, as we interpret it.  We are sure that it’s meant for us, especially when they say nasty things.  We are sure they are insinuating something about us.  Although sometimes when they say nice things, other people that are very self-centered are sure that the nice things are meant for them and the bad things are meant for other people.  Then other people are sure the bad things are meant for them and nice things for other people. There are different varieties of this, but the outcome is the same. 

So, we can be ego sensitive to every little thing!  Have you noticed when you put together a spoonful of food in your bowl?  Every mouthful we have to have the right combination of the different flavors to suit what we feel like tasting in that particular moment.  Have you noticed?  Sometimes it’s like, “Okay, I’m just having a spoon of the rice,” and the next spoonful we think, “I want the rice flavor, but I want some of the dal flavor, too.” We carefully craft every spoonful so that it’s going to meet our present desire because that is of crucial importance to the universe.  

It’s very interesting!  Try some time when you’re eating to just eat one dish without mixing it with the others.  Try for a week eating without putting any sauces or tamari, or any kind of extra stuff in the food.  See what your mind does.  No extra salt, no extra pepper, no extra sugar, just eat what’s there.  It’s a very interesting experiment.  

Today is my “yes” day

Another experiment: Try saying “yes” to everybody else’s suggestions about how things should be.  Take one day and say, “This is going to be my ‘yes day’ and whatever people say, I’m going to say yes.”  It’s very interesting. Somebody says, “I think we should line our shoes up in a certain way,” and instead of giving your opinion you just say, “yes.”  Wow!  Do you think democracy is going to fail because you haven’t given your opinion on how to line the shoes up?  

Or somebody says, “Let’s do the table cleanup in this way,” and you just say, “Okay.”  It sounds like we’re giving up our independence.  What’s going to happen: “They’re going to step all over me if I say ‘yes’ ”?  Your family wants to go out to dinner, and they want to have Laotian food, but you feel like eating Thai food.  You don’t care that the two countries border each other, and you don’t care that the food is almost the same, because you want to have Thai food not Laotian.  Your family members don’t want to have Laotian food because…Wow!  

All these crucially important things that happen every day and we just say, “Yes.”  “Would you vacuum the floor?”  “Yes!”  Inside, your mind’s going: “Forget you!  I don’t want to vacuum the floor.  I’ve vacuumed the floor five of the last fifteen times and you’ve vacuumed ten, so it’s your turn to do even more.”  But you just say, “Okay, I’ll vacuum the floor.”  Have you ever noticed, so often in our life, quarrels arise because of the tiniest thing? Often the issue is not really what road we take, what choice we make, but more that “I’ve got to make myself known.  I’ve got to make my preference known.  It’s got to have some importance.”  And boy, that creates so many problems!  Looking back in your life: how many fights and quarrels have occurred because of this kind of thing?  

It’s very interesting.  Try having a “yes day.”  You can say, “Yes.”  This fits in very much with the way that we’re talking in this section of the bodhisattva precepts that we are looking at tonight.  We talked about the ones having to do with generosity, good conduct, fortitude, meditative stability and wisdom.  Now we are going to talk about the ethical conduct of benefiting others, and the things to abandon in order to keep that ethical conduct.  And I am not going to just read only out of our usual book, but I am going to use Dagpo Rinpoche’s book, because he has many more subcategories of things that apply to each of these.  I think it’s really helpful for us to go into the subcategories, because sometimes the more detailed the thing is, the more stuff is pointed out to us, as you know, how to practice. 

Twelve misdeeds contrary to the ethical conduct of helping others

35.  Not accomplishing what is good for others.  Not helping those who are in need.

The first group is precept thirty-five.  In our book here, it says:

Not accomplishing what is good for others.  Not helping those who are in need.

There are eight different occasions that he lists here in which we could be asked to go to help somebody, and where we should have a “yes day.”

Deliberating an action

If somebody is trying to make a decision about something and they don’t know how to think clearly about it.

They have several possibilities “Should I do this?  Should I do that?  Maybe they’re planning a project.  Maybe they’re planning a trip.  Maybe they’re thinking about what they want to study in school.  Who knows?  But there are several possibilities and they’re deliberating what to do.  Here, we should step in and help them. I’ll tell you first what it doesn’t mean.  It doesn’t mean telling them what to do.  It means helping them think through the situation.  Asking them questions so that they can think about what the pros of this are, what are the cons.  You know, “What’s the result of this going to be?  What’s the result of that going to be?” 

This is very valuable because we really need to help people learn how to think clearly.  We ourselves need to learn how to think clearly.  If we always turn to other people to make our decisions, then, when other people aren’t around, we’re going to be lost.  Similar to other people, it’s really helpful to help them make decisions.  Of course, if they’re four or five years old they don’t know how to think very clearly.  Then, you may want to really make the decision for them, you know?  But even then, I think with small children, it can be helpful to just get them started thinking about the ramifications of different choices. 

That’s the first of the eight:

They’re deliberating an action.

Making a decision

They’re actually making a decision.

They need to settle a question.  Somebody’s thought about it but they’re still vacillating a bit.  And they ask for our assistance in helping them make the decision.  So, with the previous one we’re helping them reflect on it, reflect on the conditions; here we’re helping them make a decision. 

Rinpoche says:

If they ask for our assistance, if necessary, we may make the decision for them.

I think we make decisions for other people as seldom as we can.  Because if we make the decision for them, and for whatever reason the situation doesn’t turn out well, the person is not going to take responsibility.  They’re going to point the finger at us.  It’s much better when somebody’s really at the point of making the decision, maybe they’re just sitting there on the fence, you know the turkey on the fence when Thanksgiving is approaching, so sometimes you just have to say, “Okay, here’s the disadvantages of sitting on the fence, you better make this decision.”  Sometimes that’s the best you can do.  But at least with adults, as much as possible, make them responsible for their own decisions.  With younger people, or somebody who really has some kind of handicap, then it may be a different choice. 

When help is requested

Helping travelers.

People who are traveling, going from one place to the other.  They don’t know the way.  They don’t know the customs of the place.  They don’t know the language.  So, we should reach out and help these people.  If you’ve ever traveled, you know how much you appreciate when other people show you the direction.  It’s quite interesting in India, very often they might not know the direction, but they point you somewhere anyway.  Don’t be like that!  I’ve learned in India, if they say it’s this way, I walk a few steps and I ask another person.  Sometimes you wind up totally in a different place. 

Then, in some places in the world, when you are a stranger and you ask for help, people will drop what they are doing, and they will accompany you to where you’re going.  Americans seldom do that.  We usually point people in the direction.  Sometimes we say it so fast they can’t remember it:   “Go two blocks ahead. Turn left. Then, at the stop sign, three blocks after that make a right. Then, there’s a sharp left. After that, you go down…” And the person goes, “Ohhhh!”  Sometimes just take a little bit more time.  Maybe draw a map.  Write down the street names, even if you don’t go to the place with somebody.  And when we have friends coming from other countries, or from other places who are unfamiliar with how to travel here, it’s important to really reach out, and make sure we pick them up at the airport, instead of just giving them instructions on how to catch the subway.  I’m even intimidated by the New York subway!  The Hong Kong subway, I’ve ridden many times.  Singapore’s subway, that’s fine!  New York?  Even though it’s my country, it’s like, “Oh no, New York subway; I’ve heard too many stories about it.”  So, it’s nice when people come and greet you when you’re a traveler, so that you feel safe and welcome. 

Help with a job

Somebody has a job to do.

They’re undertaking some kind of worthy enterprise, and they need some help with it.  In this case, if we have the requisite skills, and what they’re asking for is advice, we give advice.  If we have the skills and they’re asking for hands-on help, then we give hands-on help.  We have to make sure we have the skills and the knowledge to help them, and to reach out if they’re requesting help.  However, if somebody is doing something that is clearly non virtuous, like they’re making a drug deal and they’re going to make a whole lot of money from it, and they ask for our help…No!  We are not getting involved in helping them make a drug deal.  Okay?  Somebody runs an extermination business; somebody is making armaments… No.  We don’t offer advice and help with anything that has to do with harming other living beings.  

But everybody else, we can certainly step in and help.  We’ll get to some conditions here; it doesn’t mean we take over the whole project.  It doesn’t mean we leave our life behind and just go and help somebody.  

Help protecting possessions

Protecting Possessions.

Somebody who needs help protecting possessions.  So, if you’re traveling in another country, somebody may ask you to watch their possessions when they go to the bathroom.  This applies like in Indian train stations, in the US you can’t do that.  They prohibit you from looking after somebody else’s luggage, in case they have a bomb in it or something like that.  So, in those cases, you have to say no.  I remember one time I was flying from Delhi to Tel Aviv, and the Israeli customs thing in Delhi tore my suitcase apart, asked so many questions, and then finally they let me on the plane.  And I was walking to the plane.  I was going past the check-in, and a guy behind me said, “Oh, could you carry something on the plane for me?”  He was going on the same flight.  I said, “They just tore me apart.  I’m really sorry, I can’t.  Please, you have to carry it on yourself.”

But in other situations, how can we help people protect their property?  If they ask us to house it, to look after their luggage, to look after their pets, to protect their property.  Rinpoche here says,

This may involve giving financial advice or practical recommendations.  We may propose possible ways of investing capital or refer someone to a bank or financial counselor.

I think it is better to refer them to a financial counselor.  I don’t think it’s for us to give financial advice on where to invest your money.  Again, if it turns out bad, you’re going to feel lousy, and the other person is going to be really mad.  So, it’s better that they take it to a professional.  With all due respect to Rinpoche, I don’t agree with that there.  

He gives another example:

If you know that somebody keeps a lot of cash in their home, we may suggest that they put it in a bank.

That makes sense, but in terms of investing money… uuuhh!  However, we can help somebody protect their property, in whatever way is needed, but again, we do this when asked.  The thing about all these things is, some of us are so helpful that we want to run other people’s lives, and tell them how to do everything, even if they don’t want the advice.  That’s not what it’s talking about here.  This is not a license to try and control everybody and make them do what we want.  It’s when people are requesting advice.  Or, if it’s quite obvious in a situation that they need some help, to step up and help.  People don’t always need to ask for advice, sometimes you just jump in and do it. 

Maintaining harmony

Reconciling people who are not in harmony.

Again, if two friends are fighting, if you can do something to help them reconcile; we can be a mediator, be an ear for somebody.  We can help that person understand the other person’s actions or concerns from a different viewpoint; it’s some way in which you can help people reconcile.  But again, with this kind of thing you have to suss out the situation.  Sometimes people are really mad, and they are not ready to reconcile.  If you storm in there and say, “But you must!” they’re going to get even angrier. 

Organizing events

Help organize commemorations.

This is helping to organize like annual events, or events that happen quite regularly.

Festive occasions

Helping in festive occasions.

This means helping with events that don’t happen regularly, one-off things.  For example, living here at the Abbey we have many retreats, many courses, so somebody might say, “Who would like to be the retreat manager?”  Or “We need somebody to cook for such and such a day.  We need somebody to pick somebody up in Newport.”  So, when people are asking for help for these kinds of things, we should volunteer. 

I’m going to repeat this one because I’ve noticed a trend. In the early days many people used to volunteer for things. And it seems like now, when there are more residents, people don’t volunteer as much. When there are things that need to be organized and somebody says, “We need help picking someone up.  We need help preparing the tsog, or driving somebody, or cooking lunch, or even publicizing a retreat, or cleaning the Shanti cabin,” these are the things we should step up and volunteer for. 

It doesn’t mean that every time you have to be the volunteer, and it doesn’t mean if you have something else that is really important to do, that you’re the volunteer.  But it also doesn’t mean that you stand there, even though you have time, and wait for somebody else who’s usually somebody else who does a lot of things, and their plate is already very full, and you wait for them to volunteer.  That’s not right.  When we have the time, and we have the capability, we should step up to the plate. 

So, these are eight situations; they happen quite often to us.  We encounter these kinds of things in daily life, relationships, and events.  But there are a number of exceptions where we don’t have to step up and then help.

What are the exceptions

We’re sick.

Clearly, if you’re sick and somebody asks you for help, it’s not good to step up and help because you’re going to make them sick, and you’re going to get sicker yourself. Okay? That makes sense. 

We’ve made another appointment well in advance.

Somebody asks us to help on a certain day.  We already have something to do that day, then it’s okay to decline.  It does not mean that all of the sudden, at that moment, you think of an appointment that you must have!  That’s not what we’re talking about. 

We’re presently occupied in very positive and beneficial spiritual practices.

Maybe you are in a retreat, you are doing some kind of focused study, writing a book, making a website or whatever.  You are already engaged in something that is constructive and beneficial, then it’s okay if you don’t say yes. 

If we lack the ability.

If we don’t know how to do something, don’t volunteer to teach somebody how to do it.  With some people, it’s like they want to help, and they’re not really sure how this thing works, but they think, “Well, let me look at it.”  You know? I won’t let anybody touch my computer who isn’t pretty sure of how things work, otherwise it’s: “Oh, let’s try this. Let’s try this. Let’s try this.”  And pretty soon your screen’s dark!  All of a sudden, everything goes 90 degrees that way, and you can’t get it back!  A cat did that one time, stepped on my keyboard and all of a sudden everything was upside down. I didn’t know how to get it right-side up again, you know?  I didn’t know whether I should put her on the keyboard again, maybe she’ll step on the right key!  Of course, it happened when I was in a hurry to get something done but never mind! 

If the activity is harmful and contrary to the Dharma, we don’t take part in that task.  If people who ask us for assistance are actually quite capable of managing on their own.

Or there are potential other helpers who they haven’t asked yet, then it’s okay not to volunteer.  You know how sometimes people just get in a flurry and they just want to pass the buck and get somebody else to do it, even though they’re capable?  In those kinds of situations, it’s okay; we don’t need to step up. 

Also: 

If for whatever reason, for their spiritual development, it’s good if we don’t do it.

Then it’s okay; it’s not a transgression.

If doing something to help somebody is going to upset and irritate many people.

Or if it gives them reason to criticize us, it’s better that we don’t get involved. Oh, my goodness!  I got an email this morning.  Some people were writing letters to their teacher, because their teacher has been misbehaving, listing all this stuff.  And they sent a copy of the letter they sent to their teacher to me.  And I forget exactly what they said, but it was something to the effect of: “Will you comment on this or what do you think we should do?” And I was like, “I’m not going to get involved in this one. I don’t think I can say anything helpful at this point.”  After I read this, I felt I was going to throw up.  But my job is never to do any of this. That’s my job in this situation, but I’m not getting involved in this kind of thing. 

So, it’s that kind of thing you don’t have to get involved in.  And then, also, to keep our monastic precepts, it’s also okay to decline to do something.  Somebody asks for volunteers; you are a nun and all the volunteers are seven men, and you are going off somewhere else.  It’s okay if you don’t go.  Or, if you are a monk and the other volunteers are seven women, and it’s not a suitable situation, then it’s okay. 

36.  Failing to serve the sick.  Avoiding taking care of the sick.

Precept thirty-six is about not eliminating a particular suffering.

Failing to serve the sick.  Avoiding taking care of the sick.

This is about not helping people who are sick, whether we know them or whether we don’t know them.  If it’s a situation where we’re walking down the street and somebody is having a seizure, somebody is having a heart attack, whatever then we don’t just walk by because they’re strangers.  We stop, and we offer assistance.  If a friend is sick and they need help doing household chores, or they need help cooking or whatever, then we step up to the plate and we do that.  Or if they need help exercising then we help them with their exercise.  It’s really helping the sick. 

I think this also includes visiting people in the hospital, because they feel very vulnerable in the hospital.  I’ve noticed that some people are like, “I don’t want to go into the hospital.  If I go into the hospital, I could get sick.”  Or just seeing somebody who is very sick reminds them of their own vulnerability to sickness, and that makes them extremely uncomfortable, so they don’t want to go to visit sick relatives. 

I think it’s really good that if we have that kind of fear of going to a hospital, or fear of getting sick ourselves, that we do some work on our own mind, and really assess how legit is that fear.  We can think, “The doctors and nurses are going in there every day, and they’re okay.  Why am I so hesitant to go in there one time?”  Now, if you’re somebody who gets sick easily, like you have a weak respiratory system, and your friend has pneumonia then, maybe okay you don’t go.  But, otherwise, it’s helpful to really check our own fear.  Because when somebody is in the hospital they like support, and it’s really helpful if we can go and give support.  Even if it’s too far away for us to travel, then call them, send a card, make a tape—do something so that they know that they’re cared for.  I’d say send flowers, but cut flowers are not very good for the environment.  But then send them something else—chocolate maybe—really reach out and help people who are sick. 

Here at the Abbey, if somebody is sick, we take them food.  If they’re capable of coming and getting the food, and they’re not going to contaminate the whole community, then they can come and get it.  This isn’t a thing of, “Oh, I just feel like lying in bed today, so please bring me my breakfast, lunch and dinner.”  No. One person wanted to come here, and she changed her mind.  She told me she used to live at another spiritual community. Sometimes she just needed a day off, and so she would be “sick” that day.  She’d be “sick” that day!  She did it frequently, and then of course the people caught on.  It was nice that she admitted it. 

Again, this is about nursing them, doing what we need.  Here, when we’re helping people who are sick, we have to be very sensitive.  Some people don’t tell others that they are sick because they don’t want to hear constant suggestions of what kind of treatment they should get.  Sometimes somebody is sick, and this person says, “Take this medicine.  Now, go to this doctor.  No, go to that specialist.  I know somebody in Brazil who can give you the mud at the bottom of the Amazon River which is supposed to be really good.  No, use aromatherapy.”  This one is saying “essential oils,” and that one is saying, “Cannabis is legal now, that’ll cure anything.”  And here’s the sick person just being barraged by everybody’s suggestions.  So, often they don’t say anything because they’d like some peace in their lives.  We have to learn to be sensitive when people are sick and not give them tons of advice if they don’t want that. 

On the other hand, you find people who are sick and who need advice but who don’t want it.  That’s another difficulty.  Somebody is not taking care of their health; they need to do something to take care of their health, and they don’t want to listen to anybody.  But we don’t have that problem here.  No, we don’t have that problem here.  We had an event a couple of years ago where there were two nuns.  I won’t mention who they were, but they were very, very sick and wouldn’t listen to anybody. [laughter]  Oh, I’m so glad I can laugh now!  Do you remember that, Venerable Jigme?  She and I were consulting with each other: “What are we going to do about these people?  They’re so sick!  And they won’t listen to anybody, especially us!”  Even though eventually they had to do what we wanted, didn’t they?  But we didn’t say, “I told you so.” 

When we don’t know how to take care of sick people, or we don’t know what to do, then it’s okay not to step in.  Here are some other exceptions where it’s not a transgression if we don’t help: 

• We’re sick ourselves.
• We find somebody else to help the sick person who gets along with that person very well.
• If we’re busy caring for another sick person.
• If we’re not very intelligent.
• If they are already receiving satisfactory assistance, and they have helpers.
• If they’re capable of looking after themselves.
• If they’ve been ill for a long time, and now they’re on the road to recovery—they’re able to start doing things on their own.

This means that if we encounter strangers where something is happening, we should step up and help.  It’s very interesting.  They’ve done studies, and if nobody else is around, people tend to step up to the plate and help more.  Whereas if there’s a lot of people around, they tend to step back and wait for somebody else to do it.  Then, if nobody else does it, they think, “Well, maybe it’s not so important to help that person.”  They’ve done some quite interesting experiments on this. 

Then, of course, remember that murder of Kitty Genovese: that woman in New York city who somebody stalked.  I think they raped her, abused her somehow, and then killed her.  All these people in the apartments above were listening to her cries for help, and nobody did anything.  And that really shook the whole country, you know?  When people found out there were like almost 30 people who heard some kind of call for help, or sounds of distress; it was New York City, and they just didn’t do anything.  We should not be like that. 

One time in India, I was coming back from a teaching, and there was a beggar, an old man who had fainted.  You know, he was lying on the ground; he had fainted.  I and another person went to help him, and the Tibetans around said, “No, no, no.  Don’t touch him.  Leave him alone.”  I couldn’t make sense of that.  I think they just had the feeling beggars are another class of people, and we don’t go near them.  But we were going to help.  We got him some water and got him so he could stand up again. 

37.  Not eliminating suffering in general.  Not alleviating the suffering of others.

Precept thirty-seven regards:

Not eliminating suffering in general.  Not alleviating the suffering of others.

The previous one applied specifically to the suffering of people who were sick.  Here it is alleviating the suffering of people in general.  People could be suffering from all sorts of things.  They could be grieving.  They could be worried about something.  People suffer in so many different ways: mental suffering, physical suffering.  If we are in a situation where somebody is clearly suffering, then this precept is saying “yes.”  You go, and you help, and you do what you can. 

Sometimes, people may just have a lot of worries, and they need somebody to talk to.  Sometimes people have had a quarrel with somebody they care about, and they feel very upset about it or they feel very sad.  Sometimes people are worried about their financial situation for their family.  There are any number of different kinds of suffering people could have, mental suffering or physical suffering.  As much as possible, we should help.  But we need to develop some skill on how to help, because very often we tend to want to be Mr. or Miss fix it. Wasn’t there some kind of cartoon character who, whenever you had dirt in your kitchen, would “speedy clean it,” or something?  I remember some kind of commercial—Mr Clean, was that it?  But it was an actual figure.  His name was Stronger than Dirt?  Finally, the men get involved in cleaning!  Mr. Clean, who is stronger than dirt.  Great! 

Sometimes that’s what we want to do.  We want to step in:  “I’m going to give you the solution.  You just do it.”  And maybe that’s not what the person wants.  Maybe what they want is somebody just to listen to them.  They just want to be understood.  They’re not looking for a solution to their problem.  They talk like they’re looking for a solution, but actually they just want to be heard and understood.  You have to develop a certain kind of sensitivity when people come to you, to figure out what exactly it is that they’re needing or looking for.  Sometimes they don’t say it so obviously because they’re not really clear themselves.  Sometimes they just want to tell their story.  They want some reflective listening, some empathy, and they don’t want advice. 

“Yes, but” people

Some people ask for advice, and it’s clear they don’t want it, because whatever you say they say, “Yes, but.”  You’ve heard me talk about the “yes, but” people before.  I have different buttons that get pushed, and “Yes, but” people push my buttons.  It’s like, “Why are you asking me this question if everything I say you say, ‘yes, but’ “?  I have to control getting irritated at these people.  They’re not clear about what they themselves need.  They’re asking for advice, but they don’t really want advice.  Maybe what they want is just some empathy.  Maybe what they want is somebody to just tell them to cut it out!  You never really know what people are asking for, what they’re needing.  Sometimes people write to me asking for advice.  In the letter itself they are explaining to me why a certain decision is the best one to make, but they’re asking me for advice.  What they’re actually wanting, I think, is either assurance that that’s a good decision, or permission from another person to make that decision.  That’s what they’re really wanting.  But what they say is, “Please, can you help me?”  You have to figure out, very often, what it is that the person is really needing.  

Grief and casseroles

Somebody may be suffering from grief, and you make them a casserole to show that you love them, and, as one of my friends said, “You already have ten casseroles.”  Or you are suffering from grief and people want to help.  Here’s a good example: I took a chaplaincy course one time when I was in Seattle, and we went to the rooms in the hospital to help people.  One couple had just miscarried, the woman was really grieving and the man said, “It’s okay, we can have another child.”  He meant well, but that was not the skillful thing to say. That’s not what she needed. She was grieving for the child that died.  She wasn’t thinking about having another one.  But he was trying to help.  

Two things to consider here:

• One is to figure out what actually is the skillful thing to say to somebody in a particular situation.
• And another thing is, when we’re the person who’s suffering, if someone says the “wrong” thing, don’t hold it against them.

Listen to the kind heart in which they’re saying it, because often people don’t know what to say.  Your dear family member got killed in a traffic accident, your friends don’t have any idea what to say to help you alleviate your grief.  And probably there is nothing anybody can say that will help you.  You need just to go through that process.  But when you’re with people, they feel they need to say something.  But in your mind, you’re thinking, “This is not what I need to hear.”  Don’t listen to the words; listen to the love that is behind the words.  Don’t get irritated at friends because they don’t say the right thing when you’re grieving.  Listen to the love that they’re extending towards you.  I think that is much more healing.  So, that was thirty-seven.  

38.  Not eradicating the causes of suffering.  Not explaining what proper conduct is to those is who are reckless.

Thirty-eight has to do with:

Not eradicating the causes of suffering.  This one is not showing those who are careless what is suitable.

Or, 

Not explaining what proper conduct is to those is who are reckless.

Here’s a situation where somebody is about to engage in creating the cause of suffering.  It could be the karmic cause of suffering, so the suffering won’t happen right away; it’ll happen in a future lifetime.  Or we can see that right now they’re making a really bad decision, and they’re going to have a big mess in their life.  It could be either of those kinds of things. 

The people don’t know how to make a wise decision, they’re on the verge of making an unwise one, okay?  He says:

When they’re on the brink of making a serious mistake or have already made one.  It’s our responsibility to do our best to point out their error, and to give them good advice.

It’s also a very delicate situation. I mean, it sounds so easy here.  You just go in and give them good advice!  Well, some people, they don’t want good advice.  They don’t want any advice.  They are dead set on doing what they want.  And the more you try to help them, the more they push you away.  And you get really frustrated because you are trying to help, and they are so close-minded they won’t listen to anything, and then all sorts of things happen.  The other person is getting resentful because you’re giving advice that they don’t want to hear.  You are getting frustrated and resentful because they are acting like a dimwit, and they don’t want to hear any good advice.  And what they’re doing is going to adversely influence you, too, as well as other people.  

It’s a very tricky situation.  It’s not so clear that you just go up and tap them on the shoulder and say, “You know, you shouldn’t do that.”  I used to walk around Greenlight when I lived in Seattle, and there were people out there fishing.  I would have loved to go up and say, “You know, you guys, fishing hurts the fish, and they want to live as much as you want to live.  Please don’t catch fish.” Can you imagine what would have happened if I had done that?  That would not have been the skillful thing to do.  

People very often come to me, and they ask, “A family member has a substance abuse problem. They’re going down a slippery slope. I want to help them. What can I do?”  Then, they usually say, “I’ve tried talking to them about it.  I’ve tried this.  I’ve tried that, you know, nothing is working.”  So, again it depends on the situation, what’s going on, as to what advice to give. 

Let me give you an example.  Somebody came to me and said, “My sister is in college and my parents are helping to support her, but she’s using some of the money to buy drugs.  I know about this.  What do I do?  I’ve tried to talk to my sister and everything.  She doesn’t want to listen.”  I said, “Actually, I think the best thing is for your parents to stop financially supporting her, because as long as they keep giving her money, she’s going to have the means to buy the drugs.  And if they didn’t support her, she would have to learn to be responsible.”  It was somebody already in their twenties, who should know how to do certain things.  And she said, “My parents cannot do that.”  You see a situation where the parents love their children so much that they can’t actually do what is going to benefit the child.  Because it would benefit the child to stop enabling her to get the drugs, but the parents can’t bear the thought of cutting off the financial support because then maybe she’ll be unhappy, she won’t have enough to eat, etc.

Are you getting what I’m saying?  Sometimes we don’t want to do what’s really beneficial for somebody, because we’re so attached to the person that what we do may cause them a little bit of discomfort, and we don’t want to cause them that discomfort. But, in not causing them that discomfort, we’re letting them slide down a slippery slope.  It’s important to have some sensitivity there about what to tell people, what kind of advice is really going to help.  Many people come and they say, “I’ve tried everything.  I volunteered to put this person in a treatment program, but they won’t go.”  Then I have to say, “You know, what can you do?  You can’t control them.  Your job now is to work with your own mind, and the frustration you feel at not being able to help somebody you care about.  Because if you don’t deal with your frustration, you’re going to get angry and take it out on them.  Plus, you’re going to be unhappy yourself.”

That’s hard for people.  Because when we care about somebody, it is always so much easier to see what they need to do to improve their lives, than to see what we need to do to improve ours.  We offer suggestions, and they don’t want to hear.  Of course, that’s not us.  Really?  We’re very receptive when people give us wise advice.  We’re very receptive.  We never say no.  We never say, “Yes, but.”  We never say, “Get out of here.”  It’s always when we’re trying to help other people who need the help, and they’re close-minded, and they don’t listen, right?  It’s always that way! 

I often wind up saying this to people especially in substance abuse kind of situations.  From what I learned from the people in prison that I work with, they tell me that unless you hit rock bottom, you’re not going to get off the drugs or alcohol, even if you go to rehab.  One guy was telling me that he went to many rehabs.  It was great.  The judge would send him to rehab so he didn’t have to go to prison.  He’d do the rehab, and he’d go back and use until he hit bottom.  Of course that was extremely painful for his family.  His family loves him.  To watch somebody you love hit bottom is difficult.  It’s really painful.  What you want to do is rescue the person before they hit bottom.  But every time you rescue them, you prevent them from getting to the point where they realize for themselves that they have to change.  But it’s so difficult, so hard, watching somebody you care for suffering.  Really, this is what people have told me who have been in that experience.  Very often, rescuing people is not helping them, but it’s difficult.  

But you keep rescuing, rescuing, and then you become an enabler.  It’s co-dependence, and you’re the enabler.  I’ve seen situations where you try and talk to the enabler, but they can’t hear it; they just can’t.  You try to talk to the person who has the problem, and they also can’t hear it.  What can you do?  You want to help.  You see their suffering.  Everybody is suffering, but what can you do?  You know?  That’s when you do Chenrezig practice and dedicate for them, because that’s the best thing you can do.  It’s difficult.  Nobody said helping sentient beings was going to be easy. 

I always like to flip situations, to look at situations when people with good hearts are trying to give us good advice, and we’re the person who says, “Get away, I don’t want to hear it.”  Or situations where we’re the person who wants to keep enabling somebody else.  It’s helpful if we can just step back every once in a while and look at our own role in situations. It’s helpful to examine if perhaps somebody is giving us good advice, but it doesn’t fit our self-image, so we reject it.  But it’s actually good advice.  Like telling me I need to get a hearing aid!  “It’s not that I’m hard of hearing; it’s that people mumble!” They do! You even agree with me. They mumble! It’s not really that I need a hearing aid.  

There are some exceptions here.

If we do not know what is best for the other person or if we do, but we feel incapable of communicating it properly. 

We also have to be wary of when we think, “I know what’s best.”  Because sometimes we don’t.  We’re just trying to control somebody, because what they’re doing makes us uncomfortable.  Our advice is actually to control them, so they do what we want them to do and stop bugging us. Or it’s to stop them from doing what makes us anxious. 

Another exception,

We leave the person in the hands of someone else who is better at explaining these matters than we are,

That’s a good thing.  I refer lots of things to Venerable Jigme: this person cut themselves; go see her. If a person has back pain, go see Venerable Tarpa.  She’s the expert at that.  You can’t work your computer, go see her! If you need to go somewhere then go see that one. 

Some other exceptions.

The people are perfectly capable and have sufficient knowledge to find the solution or choose the right course of action themselves.

They’re capable.  Sometimes what you need to do is encourage them, so they have confidence in their own decision.  You have to suss it out.  

If they have qualified spiritual masters or teachers to guide them then you don’t need to step in.

If they’re going to therapy, you can ask them to discuss the problem with their therapist. 

Another exception.

If they are aggressive and hostile and are likely to misinterpret our suggestion,

Or they might take it very badly, and they’re just going to get angrier.  

Another thing is:

People are fundamentally disrespectful and unappreciative and so they would disregard our advice or react adversely to it.

We don’t need to give it in situations like that. They are in a situation of starting down the slippery slope, or have just done something, and you know they’re not going to listen. They’re disrespectful. They’re unappreciative.  They’re hostile. In those situations, there’s no use. 

I asked one of my teachers what I should do in these situations, and he said, “Keep the door open.”  Somebody can’t hear any advice now, so keep the door open.  Don’t yell at them.  Don’t scream at them.  Don’t call them names.  You may need to set a very direct line: “No.  You cannot do this.”  But let them know that the door is always open if they change.  Don’t make it anything final like, “I can’t stand you.  Get out of here.  I never want to talk to you again.”  When we say those kinds of things when we’re angry, we box ourselves in.  Try and leave the door open.  Just accept that that’s where somebody is right now, and you can’t get through to them.  They’re doing their best.  Keep the door open.  Some other time, maybe they will be more receptive, and you can say something. Maybe they’ll follow their own way.  Then, when they get really stuck and they realize they need some help, they’ll come back and ask for help.  At that time, you can give it.  After that, do you rub it in really strongly that you told them before, and they didn’t listen because they’re dimwits? No, you don’t do that, okay? 

39.  Not benefiting in return those who have benefited you.

Number thirty-nine:

Not benefiting in return those who have benefited you/Not repaying the kindness shown to you.

This is a misdeed when people have shown kindness to us, and we are ungrateful.  We don’t do anything in return.  If somebody gives me a present, it doesn’t mean that I have to instantly give them a present in return. It’s showing appreciation, showing the connection, acknowledging their gift and their kindness.  We do this instead of just having an attitude of, “Well yes, I deserve it.  I don’t need to say thank you.  I just deserve it; it comes all the time.”  Especially here at the Abbey, where we’re completely dependent on others, it’s important to not take the food we receive for granted.  Be sure to repay the kindness of the people who offer us food. 

Now technically, like in the Theravada tradition, you’re not permitted to say “Thank you” when people give you food.  They feel that if you say thank you, they don’t accumulate as much merit.  My habit is to smile at people and to say, “Thank you,” so I remember getting reprimanded in Thailand for doing that.  I kept doing it anyway because that’s the way I was trained, but in their situation, no, you don’t do that.  In the way we practice here, yes, you say “Thank you.”  You have a sense of appreciation for what others do, instead of just thinking, “When is the next food offering coming?”  Or “How come they brought this and they didn’t bring that?”  Or “They got the kind of apples I don’t like, oh damn!”  Instead of that kind of thing, it’s about really learning to have a sense of appreciation for what people do.  

Tomorrow we’re having a workday.  Hopefully a lot of people will come up and help us in the garden and in the forest.  We really appreciate that they’re coming to help, that they enjoy helping.  It’s important to show our appreciation to them for what they do.  So often people just do small kindnesses—even our mail lady.  There was some point where it was difficult for her to come up the hill, but she still kept coming up the hill to bring packages.  It’s important to show appreciation for that.  I just look at all the FedEx people and the UPS people.  We’re out in the middle of nowhere, and they drive out here to deliver a package.  This is about feeling grateful to them as well as feeling grateful to the person who sent us whatever they sent us.  Very often, if they order something online, the package arrives, and it doesn’t say who it’s from.  It just says, “Sent from such and such storehouse,” or whatever.  We have no way of knowing who offered it to the Abbey.  We want to thank them directly, but we can’t because we don’t know who it is.  But still, it’s important to dedicate for those people, to not take their kindness for granted.  It’s very important that we are careful about that. 

So, this means to reciprocate kindness, to acknowledge kindness.  Sometimes we forget to do this with family members.  We take family members so much for granted.  We never say, “Thank you.”  We never think to chip in and help: “Mom’s been cooking dinner for the last thirty years, washing the dishes.  Why should I start helping chop vegetables or wash the dishes now?  That’s just her role.  That’s just what she does. I’m not going to help.”  No.  When they ask me, “Well, what can I do to tell my family how wonderful Buddhism is?” I always say, “Take out the garbage.”  And then just think of it.  Your mom’s there, “Wow!  Thirty-five years I’ve been trying to get my child to take out the garbage.  They go to a Buddhist retreat.  They come back, and do it?  Buddhism is good!”  So, it’s these small things that you never think of doing because your parents are your servants.  Try just stepping out of that mold and volunteering to do some kind of small help, as a way to repay the tremendous kindness that our parents have shown us. 

Exceptions

An exception where we’re not transgressing the precept.

If we want to return the kindness, and we try to do so but it doesn’t turn out right.

That’s not transgressing the precept.

In some cases, it may be more helpful for the person’s spiritual development if we don’t show appreciation or reciprocate their kindness.

In some situations, like if you know somebody is trying to butter you up and trying to get something out of you, and they’re kind for that reason, then you don’t reciprocate anything.  It’s that kind of situation. 

Sometimes there are people who don’t want us to be kind to them in return.  When we go to Singapore every year, we want to give something to all our friends of Sravasti Abbey volunteers in Singapore and they keep on telling us, “Please don’t bring anything.  We don’t need anything.”  We want to give.  We need to give.  There are some situations where there are people that say, “Please don’t give me anything,” and then it’s really best to accept and respect what they say. 

Audience: Venerable, you mentioned that if someone doesn’t need something, we would like to thank them, but they don’t say who it’s from or something along those lines.  Does that individual still acquire merit if donating anonymously? 

Venerable Thubten Chodron (VTC): Of course!  Of course they do. Donating anonymously, they still acquire a lot of merit.  And it actually sometimes is a good prevention if you have the tendency to want to be acknowledged. The merit is accrued by the act of giving, not by the person who receives it saying, “Thank you” or whatever. 

Audience: Could Venerable comment on the joint development of wisdom and compassion in relation to helping others? 

VTC: You help them out of compassion.  You help them with conventional wisdom.  It’s about learning to suss out situations and figure out what the best way to help is. You also combine wisdom of the ultimate by seeing yourself and the person that you’re helping and the action as all being empty of true existence. 

Audience: Say someone helps you in such and such a way, and you’re not thankful at the moment, but later on you experience a form of deep gratitude—like we’re just having that intention of being thankful—does it accumulate as much merit as showing the thanks for the person? 

VTC: Yes. You accumulate merit when you feel thankful, but it’s the person who is helping you who is really accumulating merit.  If you don’t feel thankful, it’s a transgression.  In the situation that you mentioned, like somebody did something for you and at the time you took it for granted and later on realized, then go and thank them!  I remember writing my parents thank you letters when I was in my 20s and 30s and 40s and 50s because I just took so many things for granted, and it was only later that I began to appreciate what they did. 

Contemplation points

Venerable Chodron continued the commentary on the bodhisattva ethical code. Consider them one by one, in light of the commentary given. For each, consider the following:

1. Consider specific situations that have occurred in your own life in light of the precept.  What holds you back from benefitting others in this way? What antidote(s) can you apply in the future to overcome this?
2. Why is this precept so important to the bodhisattva path? How does breaking it harm yourself and others? How does keeping it benefit yourself and others?
3. What are exceptions to the precept and why?
4. Resolve to be mindful of the precept in your daily life.

Precepts covered this week:

To eliminate obstacles to the morality of benefiting others, abandon:

• Auxiliary Precept #35: Not helping those who are in need. 
• Auxiliary Precept #36: Avoiding taking care of the sick.
• Auxiliary Precept #37: Not alleviating the sufferings of others.
• Auxiliary Precept #38: Not explaining what is proper conduct to those who are reckless.
• Auxiliary Precept #39: Not benefiting in return those who have benefited you.