Bodhisattva ethical restraints: Auxiliary vows 43-44

• Auxiliary vows 35-46 are to eliminate obstacles to the morality of benefiting others. Abandon:
• 43. Not acting in accordance with the wishes of others if doing so does not bring harm.
• 44. Not praising those with good qualities.

We’ve been going through the bodhisattva vows for a period of time now. There are three levels of ethical restraints in Tibetan Buddhism. The first level is when you take refuge and you adopt either the five lay precepts or the one of the monastic ordinations, and that’s called the level of the vinaya. The second is the bodhisattva ethical restraints, which we’re talking about here. The final ones are the tantric ethical restraints. 

The pratimoksha or vinaya vows are principally regulating the actions of body and speech. Those are the easiest to keep. To keep them you also have to work with your mind, but to actually transgress them there has to be physical or verbal action. Whereas the bodhisattva vows deal also with the mind. They’re much harder to keep because so much depends on your motivation, and they’re particularly geared towards helping us eliminate the self-centered thought. The tantric ethical restraints are similar in that they can be transgressed mentally, but they help us to eliminate impure view and dualistic view. 

Right now, we’re working on the bodhisattva ethical restraints. There are eighteen root ones and forty-six auxiliary ones, and we are currently on number forty-three of the auxiliary ones. This particular set of auxiliary precepts that we’re going through now have to do with what are called the twelve misdeeds contrary to the ethical conduct of helping others.

There are three kinds of ethical conduct, one of restraining from negativities, two of creating virtue, and three of benefiting others. These are ethical precepts that help us make sure that when we have the opportunity to benefit others, we do benefit them, that we overcome our self-centered attitude and really exert some effort to be of benefit.

43. Not acting in accordance with the wishes of others if doing so does not bring harm to one’s self or others.

We started talking last time about number forty-three, which has to do with “Behaving wrongly with regard to living in harmony.” The particular precept, forty-three, says “Not adjusting to others’ thinking.” Here in this book it says, “Not acting in accordance with the wishes of others if doing so does not bring harm to one’s self or others.”

It doesn’t just mean any other person. In general, we want to act in accord with others’ wishes if it doesn’t bring harm and if it doesn’t distract ourselves or other people from Dharma practice. But here in the explanation from Dagpo Rinpoche, which he takes from Lama Tsonghhapa, it’s really explaining it in terms of our spiritual companions. They’re the most important people because they are also trying to live in ethical conduct. Whereas with people who don’t know anything about the Dharma, we try and live in harmony with them, but very often it’s difficult because they want to go out to the movies and we don’t. 

And if we just go along with other people’s ideas we could spend our whole life at the movies, the sports stadium, the shopping center, glued to the internet and things like that. So, when it talks about really cooperating with others, it’s talking about it in a particular sense. It’s not talking about it in the sense that we just do whatever anybody wants. Because like I said, we could waste our whole life doing that and not create much virtue. The description says 

This secondary misdeed consists of not harmonizing our behavior with that of our companions in the Dharma.

In a community, it would be the other people living in the community. In the Dharma center, it would mean with your other companions in the Dharma. 

When it is inspired by anger or animosity, it is associated with afflictions. When sloth, laziness, or carelessness-motivated, it’s called not associated with afflictions.

And that’s even though it still is, because laziness is an affliction.

From the angle of the basis, there’s no misdeed when we’re ill and therefore we’re incapable of acting. 

So, if we don’t adjust our ways to other people’s thinking because we’re ill or go along with what’s happening in the community because we’re ill, there’s no transgression. 

There are some remaining exceptions out of necessity. But before we get into these exceptions, I’d like to hear some examples from you, especially people who have been living in community: what are examples of not adjusting to others’ thinking and not harmonizing your behavior with that of your Dharma companions? Maybe somebody else here has had that problem at one time or another and wants to give some personal example of it. Although maybe none of you have ever had any resistance to harmonizing your behavior. Do we have any brave ones?

Audience: I’m working on it but I am extremely attached to my ideas. Even if a majority of the community agrees in doing something a certain way, I really want to have the last word. I really want to state my opinion very clearly, sometimes rather ferociously, and kind of lock my knees and be very stubborn and obstinate about it. I just want to be right; that’s a big one for me.

Venerable Thubten Chodron (VTC): Sometimes the whole community may be going in one direction or want to do something and you disagree, you want to be right, have the last word, state your case and try and convince everybody else.

Audience: And that if it goes the way of the community, I just want them to remember it for the next few weeks.

VTC: Since the community eventually will do things the way of the community, you want to make sure that everybody knows you’re unhappy.

Audience: Yes.

VTC: And that if what the community decides doesn’t work, there is the “I told you so” lurking in the background.

Audience: Yes.

VTC: “Next time you should listen to me.”

Audience: Smirk smirk.

VTC: How about other people?

Audience: Sometimes I’m extremely resistant to Venerable Semkye’s ideas, but she wins. Even though several people in the community may disagree, I will go along but not without going, “Why are we doing this? We’re doing it because Semkye wanted us to.” Sometimes I just don’t because I don’t feel like it.

VTC: Sometimes her way does prevail, but you make sure that she knows that you’re not happy.

Audience: No, I don’t even do that. It’s my own internal process; it’s my own internal rebellion—when, in fact, going along doesn’t harm anybody or anything.

VTC: You don’t make it known outside?

Audience: Nope, she doesn’t tell me.

VTC: Oh, but inside she’s having a rebellion. And sometimes, she finds ways to not quite do the whole thing. We talked about this before, about how when we have resistance, we do part of what’s happening, but we find a way to get out doing all of it just so that we stake our claim, that “I don’t like this; I’m an individual.”

Other people?

Audience: Having an idea of wanting to go do something and just planning it all in my mind and just not even thinking about the effect it would have on the community. “I’m going downhill and going to this place and that place and do this and that”—not even thinking.

VTC: Planning something in your mind about what you’re going to do and not thinking about the effect it’s going to have on the community, like, “I’m going to go and take my holiday at this time, it doesn’t matter what’s going on with the community. It doesn’t matter how many other people are gone or that my work will fall to other people; I want to go.”

Audience: I think I’m getting over this, I’m not sure but I used to really have a strong aversion to the word “swarm.” I’d be doing something and then there would be this announcement about a “swarm,” meaning we all get together and do something. So, you drop what you’re doing, and you run to the activity. That would drive me nuts. I just got to really hate the word. But there’s no hiding here, so I came to see that it wasn’t necessarily a suffering experience, that I could eventually continue doing whatever we were doing, get over my fit. Then it was—I won’t say joyous in my mind, but I would just realize that this needed to be done and it was good that we all chipped in and did it. 

VTC: There are certain times, like when the basement floods or when the meditation hall is getting put back together again, where we all “swarm,” which means we all come together and do work together. And she’s saying that she didn’t like that—especially when you were in the middle of doing something. You have your day all arranged and then it’s like, “Okay, drop what you’re doing, the basement’s flooding. Come on, we need your help.” Or we’re moving beds, and we need everybody to help. So, this is really having some resistance to doing that. But what you say is that you’re working with it and seeing that actually going along and doing it really doesn’t hurt anybody, including yourself, and that it’s really a question of attitude—that there is a way to make the mind happy doing that.

Audience: I don’t know how to explain what it is in my mind, just “nyah, nyah, nyah.”

VTC: So, it’s like what she was saying, just constant complaining in your mind.

Audience: [Inaudible]

VTC: Again, it’s “They’re not listening to me; they’re doing these stupid things,” and spending a lot of mental energy.

Audience: Then because my energy is so negative, that pushes people away, and that’s how it becomes inharmonious.

VTC: Yes.

Audience: [Inaudible]

VTC: Even though you don’t say anything, the energy is there.

Audience: A walking flame.

VTC: Flame. 

Audience: I was thinking about resistance. Sometimes when we have all these scheduled things and especially when they go into study time, I think what I actually do is I come in kind of cold and I have to warm up to the activity, and then I just feel resistant inside, so I just act like “Here I am.”

VTC: In other words, when you feel the schedule is a little bit too full, especially when it’s going into your study time, you’ll go in but you’re like an ice cube. 

Audience: I was looking for times when resistance comes up in my mind—when it comes up consistently. That’s not very harmonious.

VTC: Right. Yes, the mind’s resistant.

Audience: I think that comes up with our chanting.

VTC: Oh, in what way? You don’t want to harmonize with whomever is leading?

Audience: No, it’s when I hear how we talk about the problems that we have with our chanting. I think sometimes we have difficulty being in harmony, but I don’t know that it’s intentional. It’s more like we just don’t have the skills. 

VTC: But when we’re chanting, being in harmony means that you have to listen to the other people. I remember when I was at City of Ten Thousand Buddhas, one of the senior nuns there commented to me that you can really tell a lot about what’s going on with somebody by how they’re chanting. You can tell if people are listening to somebody or not, if they’re whispering, if they’re screaming and what’s going on.

Audience: I have a hundred thoughts, as everyone’s been thinking, but one of them is that I might swarm, then I want everyone to do it the way I want them to do it and they do it so weird. So then I get very unhappy during the swarm.

VTC: So, you’re not averse to the swarm, the idea of people working together, but then you don’t like the way that they’re doing it. 

Audience: I want to be the boss.

VTC: Yes, you want to be the boss, and she’s the boss instead.

Audience: So, when she’s the boss, I disappear.

VTC: You just disappear.

Audience: Yes, I find something. 

VTC: You have a headache.

Audience: I have to cook something or…

VTC: You just disappear and don’t harmonize in that way. 

Audience: I’m very averse to standing in line waiting for food. I spent twenty years in the Navy and spent a lot of time standing in line waiting for food. I think I’ve done it enough in my life.

VTC: How do you find a way out of standing in line?

Audience: I leave. 

VTC: You leave and go to the library, do something else until you can go get your food. 

Audience: [Inaudible]

VTC:  Somebody gives you an unexpected instruction and there’s some resistance in not wanting to do it.

Anybody else want to volunteer, even though I haven’t called on you?

Audience: I guess I could come up with one. I think Venerable Yeshe made the pasta the other day that I was really attached to, especially putting lots of cheese on it. It came out the next day and I asked Sopa, “Hey, can I get some cheese to put on it?” because it wasn’t out on the table this time. I was really attached to this cheese. And she said, “No, we don’t get other things out.” I’m eating this pasta, and I really want this cheese and then this happened. And I felt like “I want to be able to cheese when I want cheese!” That was the whole rebellion. 

VTC: Yes.

Audience: Yes, that was it, essentially. Then after some time I realized that the feta cheese would have brought me maybe five minutes of happiness and Sopa’s helping my mind to train for long-lasting happiness. I got over that one.

VTC: Yes, but you see, the mind reacts to so many things. 

Audience: It’s like the mind goes, “I’m out of here,” and then, I’m looking at how silly the thing is, like the cheese example. Like, “If I can’t have cheese when I want, I’m out of here.” And I’ll be like that for like five minutes. You’re going to give up the Dharma for some cheese? Or because you don’t like some way Semkye’s doing something? I mean, come on. It’s so strange, but it’s very strong when it comes on.

VTC: Right, because we have this mind that says, “I want.” And it’s got to be this way. “It’s my way, and I’m not hearing any other discussion about it. It’s my way or the highway.” We push and push and push, or we do this thing where we pretend to cooperate and we disappear, or we pretend to cooperate and we sabotage.

Audience: Can you give an example of that?

VTC: Um, what would be an example?

Audience: I have one. I remember when I was getting a lot of requests to do stuff on the table saw and in the woodshop. It was coming so fast and I was like, “This is dangerous; this is unsafe. I don’t want to do this. I’m getting all this stuff in my face.” So, I was cutting things, and I’m going, “Oh, you want it fast?” and all of the lines are wobbly. I know how to do it well; I’ve done it for a long time. But I was like, “You want it fast?”

Audience: Venerable Yeshe would say “You’re fired!”

VTC: It’s a very good example, yes.

So, this is not harmonizing our behavior with our Dharma companions. Here you can see exactly why community life is so valuable for training the mind. Because all these things come up and you watch your mind just have a temper tantrum.

Audience: And you?

VTC: Me? Now I give my sagest advice, then the community doesn’t listen to me and I go, “Okay, I’ll go along with what the community wants.” It never turns out as good as if they had followed my way and I make sure they understand that. [laughter] But it’s true, isn’t it? My way is usually right.

Audience: Is that a joke?

VTC: I’ll let you decide.

Audience: I guess I’ll find out.

VTC: Here are some exceptions for when you don’t have to harmonize your behavior with that of your Dharma companions. 

First is what the people want us to do will not be good for them and could very well harm them.

 So, if somebody’s asking us to do something dangerous, something that could be harmful to them or to somebody else, it’s fine not to cooperate. Or if it could harm us: again, it’s fine not to cooperate. 

What they want may do them good but would not suit a large group of people. When it would go against the wishes of the majority we should abstain from it to prevent hostile reactions.

If what somebody wants to do is okay, but it would evoke a lot of hostility in the community, not to go along with it is okay, for the sake of harmony in the greater community. That’s like the times in meetings when we get stuck on discussing some tiny detail for like five or ten minutes, you know? 

If it’s to respect monastic rules.

 Again, we don’t have to, it’s okay. 

If it’s to subdue people who are not Buddhists.

And to help them learn the Buddhist way, it’s okay. 

If it will help to draw other people away from wrongdoing and encourage them to lead better lives.

If not cooperating with the group would actually help other people, then again, it’s okay not to cooperate.

Can you think of an example of any of those?

Audience: Maybe just if you were with a group and a lot of the group were going to go into a bar and get a drink and you said, “I’m not.” Maybe someone else would go with you and they wouldn’t do…

VTC: So, sometimes, although a group may be doing something that could harm them, it could harm you, so you could refuse to go into a bar. But sometimes I get the feeling that at parties many people drink because they think everybody else thinks they should drink. And that sometimes just saying, “I’m not going to” is a relief for everybody else. 

44. Not Praising Good Qualities

We’ve been talking about not helping others. Here is another category of “Behaving badly in relation to those who have good qualities.” The precept is “Not praising good qualities,” and it’s number forty-four. It’s also called “Not praising those with good qualities.” The explanation says:

When people possess good qualities, either extensive knowledge or spiritual attainments such as deep faith and out of animosity we do not praise them, it is a misdeed associated with afflictions. When we neglect to extoll their good qualities out of sloth, laziness, or carelessness, it is a misdeed not associated with afflictions.

Does this mean that every time somebody has a good quality you have to sit and point it out? It doesn’t mean that. What would be an example of somebody having some good quality? Here, they’re talking about Dharma qualities—extensive knowledge and faith. They’re not talking about how you can play the banjo well. Even if it is playing the banjo well, what could be some examples of why you wouldn’t praise that person?

Audience: Jealousy.

VTC: Jealousy would be a big one, wouldn’t it?

Audience: Pride.

VTC: Yes, and pride—wanting to be best ourselves, not wanting somebody else to be acknowledged. There’s a very strong ego in there. It’s some kind of strong self-centeredness, a feeling of “I’ve got to be the best, and if I praise somebody else then I’m losing out, and we can’t let that happen.”

Audience: Or maybe you don’t want them to know that they’re on the right path, so you just deceive them into thinking that they are on the wrong path.

VTC: So, sometimes you really want to mess somebody up, so you don’t praise them because that would indicate that they were going on the right path. But maybe out of jealousy, mischievousness or ill-will, you want them to go on the wrong path, so you don’t comment about a good deed they’re doing. That’s a really rotten intention, isn’t it? But people do it. This is why it’s so important to be attentive to what’s going on in our mind, because when we get jealous we can do awful things, really sabotaging other people.

From a subjective point of view, there is no misdeed if we are too ill to express our appreciation or if people are in the middle of a conversation and we are waiting for our turn to speak.

It’s like, “Hold the conversation, I need to praise somebody!” 

From the viewpoint of the object of our praise, it is better to abstain if the people have no desire for our acclaim and if we know that it would make them feel uncomfortable.

If praising somebody would make them feel uncomfortable in front of a group, it’s not a transgression not to praise them, especially if they have no desire for it. Although I have one Dharma friend who really doesn’t like to be praised, but I feel that it’s good to praise her in front of other people so that those people notice her good qualities. She doesn’t like it, but I really want to point out to other people, “Look at these qualities so that you can copy them.” I think sometimes she doesn’t like when I do that, though.

In relationship to the content, there’s no fault in remaining silent when the qualities in question are fallacious.

Clearly. 

We may abstain from necessity as well, by saying nothing if we hope to tame someone, if we want to respect monastic rules or aim to subdue non-Buddhists. Another possibility is that we suspect that praising people would harm them by stimulating their afflictions and they might become self-satisfied and proud.

If we’re concerned that by praising somebody they might get complacent or arrogant or that it would actually harm their practice, we shouldn’t praise them. Those are all the exceptions, but why should we praise other people, and in what situations should we praise them? Because sometimes, some of us are very resistant to pointing out the good qualities of others. 

Audience: I think when it will help someone to know that they’re going in the right direction or when it’s clear I feel like it’s good feedback for the person.

VTC: You want to do it when you feel that the other person really needs the reinforcement that they’re going in the right direction, because that really encourages them to keep doing so. Then, of course, it’s really good to praise them, to point that out. It doesn’t have to be flattery and gushy but more something really of giving a person good feedback.

Audience: It’s good for our minds, actually, to praise other people. It’s a practice of generosity, and what I’ve noticed is some of them don’t know what their good qualities are, so it does help them if we’re genuine about it.

VTC: Yes, it’s definitely part of our practice to overcome our wish to be number one and acknowledged and in the limelight and everything like that. So, to help us to subdue our own self-centeredness, praising others is a good help for our own practice. Also, like you said, some people really don’t know their good qualities—this relates to what she said. You’re doing something and you’re not quite clear whether it’s good or not. Some people are so much in the habit of criticizing themselves that they really need other people to say, “Oh, you did this very well.” Because otherwise, they just fall into the habit of, “Oh, I did this, but it wasn’t good enough and da da da da da,” which is so self-defeating. In order to really encourage somebody and let them know that what they did was beneficial and was well done, it’s very good to give them that feedback.

Audience: I think it can also really help somebody to know when they’re being skillful or not. As a teacher, it’s really important for me to get the praise when I am doing something well. But a lot of times you get praise even though sometimes I think like, “Hmm, I don’t know if it’s genuine. They’re just praising me because they want to please me.” That becomes really confusing. There are all these layers of feedback, so I just really appreciate when someone gives me honest feedback.

VTC: Sometimes it has to do with the way it’s given. And if the praise is given in a very honest and direct way, you can really accept it. Whereas some people offer praise, and it leaves you feeling confused because you’re not sure: “Are they trying to flatter me? Or, what’s the story?”

Audience: It can also be an expression of appreciation.

VTC: Yes, it’s showing our personal appreciation for what somebody did—not just that they’re good at an activity but that what they did directly benefited us and expressing that appreciation.

Audience: I was just going to agree with what Venerable Chonyi said about how  it’s a good practice of generosity. It’s a good mind-training for ourselves. I also think that it’s a good practice of humility. Generosity would be the opposite of jealousy. Then we said pride is also a reason we don’t praise, so I think humility would be the opposite of that. Because I know for me, after the pride and the jealousy, after I’ve noticed some good quality, then I convince myself that they actually didn’t have the good quality in the first place. To counteract that, once you finally break through, praising them is a really good act of humility, I think.

VTC: So, when our mind is really resistant to acknowledging somebody’s good quality due to our own pride or jealousy, when we finally do acknowledge it to ourselves, it’s good to actually say it out loud, too, because that really lessens our arrogance.

Audience: This also really reminds me of what we’ve learned about appreciating someone from NVC, about the importance of acknowledging. Not just saying, “Oh, I did a great job,” which is vague and easy to blow off, but to be able to say, “When you did this, I felt it did this for me.” Then, it becomes very personal and meaningful.

VTC: It’s the thing of really giving praise in a specific situation. I think especially in terms of children as well as adults, this is very important. Because when somebody says to a child, “You’re a really good boy” or “You’re a really good girl,” that doesn’t give the kid any information. They don’t know what it was they did that somebody appreciated. So, it’s important to be specific in our praise: “When you helped me with XYZ and we got it done, I really appreciated it because I needed some help.” When we offer praise, it’s important to give a specific example of what the person did so that they can really see the quality and action or the specific deed. That’s instead of saying, “Oh, you’re just so fantastic,” because that doesn’t really give anybody much good information.

Audience: I think it’s also really important for people to understand that we can benefit each other even as sentient beings who are suffering delusions. We don’t have to become fully enlightened buddhas in order to benefit one another. Today, I tried to express to our youth group that I really do value the things that they have to say, that it benefits me. I think it’s really important for them to know that because that, I hope, spreads out that they have confidence in their good qualities so when they leave they can continue to grow those with others.

VTC: Expressing our personal appreciation in a specific way can very much encourage others so that then they act that way again towards others. And it feels good to express our appreciation, because it really enables us to connect with people. When we express appreciation, so much of it is involved with our body language and our tone of voice and things like this. When you were talking about insincere appreciation, there’s a way of expressing appreciation or praise where we look a person in the eye, have a pleasing expression and stuff like that. And there are different ways of praising somebody. It’s like when you’re a little kid and your parents tell you to say thank you to somebody—“Thank you, Mrs. Jones; I liked dinner”—that kind of thing. You can tell by the body language and the voice that it’s not sincere. So, it’s important to really pay attention to how we give the praise, because that is a really critical element in its meaning to the other person.

And how about when you’re praised, what do you do then? Do you say, “Oh, yes, thank you; I’m glad somebody noticed”? [Laughter] Do any of you feel uncomfortable receiving praise? Oh, quite a number of people. Why do you feel uncomfortable?

Audience: [Inaudible]

VTC:  You squirm, but why?

Audience: [Inaudible]

VTC: Is it suspicion of others or is it a feeling that “I don’t deserve praise?”

Audience: I think both combined.

VTC: You think, “If they really knew what I was like, they wouldn’t praise me”?

Audience: Right and then there’s a feeling also of “What do they want?” So, it’s kind of both.

VTC: It’s both things: “I’m unworthy, and I’m suspicious of their motivation.”

Audience: [Inaudible]

VTC: Yes, if I’m unworthy and somebody praises me, that person is really out to lunch.

Audience: I was going to say that sometimes it’s like I get crazed by my peers or something. I was talking earlier about this togetherness I feel, like there’s more pressure on me to behave a certain way. And then I feel like I have to guide people or something, and I feel really uncomfortable with that.

VTC: If somebody praises you, you feel uncomfortable because you feel that they expect you to do it again or to be an example for others or to mentor others. So, even if somebody gives praise from their heart sincerely, you feel like it’s a burden.

Audience: Yes, I guess so.

VTC: “Oh dear, now they’re going to want me to do this again.” 

Audience: “I have to live up to it.”

VTC: Yes: “I have to live up to it, and how am I ever going to do that again, what kind of pressure is this?”

Audience: Yes, because I feel when I get praised that it’s always something more than just myself. It’s something about a group that we did together; it’s not always just me.

VTC: So, you do feel undeserving when you get praised.

Audience: Yes, I guess.

VTC: Because you belong to the group.

Audience: I feel like we should say, “We all did.” I don’t know; it’s hard.

VTC: Yes, we all did it. “Don’t give it all to me, because then you’re going to expect me to be really good. I don’t want people expecting me to be really good.”

Audience: I don’t like the attention. 

VTC: Why don’t you like the attention?

Audience: Because everybody is recognizing the praise, and I’m in the middle of something.

VTC: But it makes other people happy.

Audience: [Inaudible] 

VTC: “I want to be invisible, but I kind of want people to notice me. I want them to do it.”

Audience: [Inaudible]

VTC: “And I want them to do things my way because I have some good ideas. I want to organize them but they shouldn’t say ‘Thank you’ afterwards.”

Audience: What Jack said really made me realize something that I never thought about too much before. Especially around middle school when I was becoming a teen, if someone praised the way I looked, I really felt like I always had to look that way every day, and when I didn’t I just felt terrible. It was either I looked completely good or I looked completely bad. So, people praising how you look really, for me, gets me attached to living up to an expectation. 

VTC: Hmm, okay.

Audience: I’m sure all the same things as you guys, but a difference is that sometimes when someone gives me praise and I feel like I do deserve it, sometimes I feel like I don’t want to come off as really proud and arrogant, like that attitude of “Yeah, yeah, thank you—finally.” So, I feel uncomfortable because I don’t want to come off like that. 

VTC: It becomes difficult to accept the praise because you don’t want other people to think that you’re arrogant.

Audience: Yes.

VTC: So again, it feels like a burden.

Audience: Yes.

VTC: Yes, it’s a burden that people are paying attention to you, or they might think bad of you if you respond in a certain way?

Audience: I feel an awkwardness. It’s like this is somehow something that’s closer to both of our hearts, when it’s genuine of course. And there’s some discomfort with being that close and to that genuineness, so there’s a feeling of “Oh, well, this is awkward.”

VTC: It indicates some kind of closeness that you may feel uncomfortable with. 

Audience: I just realized from this conversation that when I would get praised as a kid, my sister would get really jealous. Praise came with someone being jealous, so I started avoiding it a lot and putting it off because I didn’t like her jealousy.

VTC: Sometimes praise does lead to other people being jealous, and that’s uncomfortable and we don’t want it, yes.

Audience: That’s why I don’t like this attention, because sometimes I feel like I haven’t done good enough.

VTC: Yes, it’s that feeling of “I don’t deserve it,” yes.

Audience: Or it was so easy for me, so I don’t deserve praise for this because I didn’t work hard at it.

VTC: “I should have suffered and worked really hard, then I would deserve some praise.”

Audience: What I’ve noticed is that when the praise is given in a very clear way, I don’t feel embarrassed. “You did that and that fulfilled those requirements, and that was done well.” But this vague praise, it’s embarrassing. I don’t really know what they mean, and then I notice this mind that wants more, but it doesn’t feel right. 

VTC: What would be an example of praise that’s well-delivered?

Audience: Well, as I’m saying: “You finished that task in a timely way, and it was done carefully, so I appreciate that.” It’s very clear.

VTC: If somebody’s very specific about it—“You finished that in a timely way and it was done very well, thank you,”—you can accept it.

Audience: I think that kind of praise can help people continue to grow. But when it’s just sort of glossy words, it’s problematic.

VTC: “You’re the best. You’re the most wonderful.”

Audience: Yes.

VTC: And yet, we like to hear it when people say, “Oh, you’re the best. You’re the most wonderful.” 

Audience: I actually came across an article recently that was about kids who have been praised a lot by their parents and how that changes their behavior. They were saying it causes them to be very self-critical, like “I need to live up to an expectation.” Also, they’re really overly critical of others. Like last time I was here in December, I never heard anyone say to me, “That was your karma ripening.” It was like, “Oh wow, nice job.” And when I left I was really needing to always live up to that, and I knew I wasn’t. Instead, I just turned it into criticizing others a lot—at least in my mind. Maybe I didn’t do it verbally, but it showed a lot in my behavior.

VTC: You’re saying that if you get praise, it can turn into self-criticism, or it can turn into criticism of others, because as soon as we hear the praise, we start comparing ourselves with others. We just have this knee-jerk reaction of comparing. 

Audience: I think it goes along with this sense—and I think it is so pervasive, at least in how I grew up—of constantly being watched and judged. It’s like they have a little checklist, even when they give you praise. Of course it felt good, but it gives this whole pervasive atmosphere of judgment.

Audience: I think maybe that’s why you start judging everything, because you’re saying, “Well, everyone else is judging everything, so…” 

VTC: When children get too much praise, they think that everybody is always judging and evaluating them. Then you become really self-conscious, judging and evaluating yourself and other people. So, you can over-praise somebody. It’s interesting, isn’t it?

I remember when I first started to teach, people would come up afterwards and say, “Oh, that was a really good talk,” or “It helped me,” or whatever, and I would go, “Oh, no, no no—it’s just from my teachers.” I couldn’t accept the praise, and somebody told me at one point, “That feels really uncomfortable if somebody is praising you and you say ‘oh, no, no, no, I don’t deserve it.’ It really makes the other person feel bad.”  I had never thought of that before. I had always thought that either I don’t deserve it or, like you, that I don’t want to look like I’m arrogant, so I say, “no, no no.” 

But then that actually has the effect of making the other person feel that they offered you a gift and you rejected it. It’s like, “You’re praising me, so you must be out of your mind. I don’t deserve that.” It really made me stop and think of the harmful effect of doing that, pushing away the praise when people gave it. I remember I asked my friend Alex Berzin one time, “What do you do when people come up after you give a talk and praise you for the talk?” He said, “You say ‘Thank you.’” I thought, “What a brilliant idea!”

When I did that, when I just said, “Thank you,” it cured the whole thing. Because I didn’t need to live up to anybody’s expectations. I didn’t need to worry about them thinking that I’m arrogant. I didn’t need to go around feeling undeserving, I didn’t need to push it away in any way, I just acknowledged their gift and that was it. It made me realize that all these other things I used to do to somehow push the praise away, or so that they wouldn’t expect stuff from me, was all coming from not humility, but ego. I realized that sometimes just saying “Thank you” is gracious, and it stops all this machination in our mind.

Audience: You’re not taking it personally.

VTC: It’s not going, “Well, thank you” in an arrogant way. It’s “Thank you” in a way that is recognizing what I feel when people, after I give a talk, have a virtuous state of mind. And if I say, “Thank you,” I am acknowledging their virtuous state of mind. Because that’s the whole thing when somebody praises. When somebody praises, when they’re doing the activity of praising, they’re having a virtuous mind.

It isn’t something that I should get so ego-involved in, thinking “Do I deserve it or not and can I repeat it or not?” It’s a thing of rejoicing in their virtuous mind. But you can see so clearly that as soon as we make “Me” the center of something, we get so tangled up. As soon as we take “Me” out of it and look at what’s happening with the other person, it becomes a really nice exchange. “Wow, somebody feels good. I’m acknowledging they feel good, that they have a virtuous state of mind” That’s praising, and that’s great.” 

Audience: As I read number forty-four here again, I realized that it’s about not praising. We’ve been talking a lot how receiving praise makes us feel. I’m curious if we then try not to praise others because we’re afraid to make them feel the way that we know it makes us feel. We think, “I don’t want to make them uncomfortable.” And I was thinking about how maybe clearing out some of this distortion in how we receive praise could help us begin to praise others a little bit.

VTC: Yes, you’re saying that the more we’re able to accept praise gracefully, the more we’ll be able to give praise gracefully.

Audience: [Inaudible]

VTC: But you see, when we feel like that—“The more they praise, the more I’m really an idiot”—we’re not acknowledging their gift, and we’re not rejoicing at their virtuous mental state. So, it really is not kind to them. We often feel the way you’ve described, but what I’m saying is, if we look at it, it’s not an act of kindness towards the person who is praising us. So, all of us who feel undeserving, we really have to look at what’s going on.