Kindness towards ourselves and others

Interdependence and the kindness of others

• Our interdependence with others
• Recognizing and appreciating the kindness of others

Interdependence and the kindness of others (download)

Karma and the 10 non-virtuous actions

• Defining the virtuous
• Using the 10 virtuous and 10 non-virtuous actions to make wise decisions

Karma and the 10 nonvirtues (download)

Questions and answers

• Refraining from non-virtue for positive karma
• Responding when others are creating negative karma
• Avoiding arrogance
• Rationalizing non-virtuous actions

Karma: Q&A (download)

Interdependence and the kindness of others (transcript)

Let’s [inaudible] our motivation.

We are interdependent with other living beings and, as a result, we’re affected by their actions. We’ve received a lot of kindness from them simply by the fact that we’ve continued to exist. Without the kindness of others, without the efforts they have made and all the things they do, there’s no way for us to even have come onto this planet, let alone have our lives sustained this long, let alone be able to practice the Dharma.

We were born due to our parents. They raised us. They took care of us. They protected us when we couldn’t take care of ourselves. Our teachers taught us. Both our parents and our teachers had to educate us on how to get along with others, how to be a member of society and function together with others. All the food we’ve eaten has come through others’ efforts. All the clothes we’ve worn, all the buildings we’ve used, all the roads we’ve driven on, all the books we’ve read—everything we use, have contact with and benefit from, exists due to the efforts and energies and, thus, the kindness of other living beings.

When we contemplate this deeply, we feel how connected we are, and we have a sense of being a recipient of a tremendous amount of kindness in our lives. When we focus on all the kindnesses we’ve received, the mind that is dissatisfied or is unhappy about how others have treated us in the past, that mind becomes insignificant and recedes in the background because, compared to the tremendous kindness we’ve received from others, some of them we have known, some of whom are total strangers, the harm we have received has actually been very little in comparison to the kindness. And when we focus on the kindness, then automatically, the mind wants to do something for others in return. We don’t have to force ourselves because it automatically comes. To choose how best to repay the kindness, we are choosing to do it by working on ourselves by using the Dharma. As much as we can progress on the path to Buddhahood, that much more we can contribute to the welfare of others, both now and in the long term. So when we are focused on the long-term happiness of all living beings, particularly helping them to get out of this jungle of cyclic existence, and because we see them as kind and we feel their kindness towards us, then practice becomes much easier, because we really want to do something in return. And so we generate the loving compassionate heart of bodhicitta, aspiring for full enlightenment and, while we’re on the path, we help others and ourselves as much as we can. Consider that motivation.

You know, our usual daily mind, our ignorant mind that doesn’t see interdependence, but instead sees things as inherently existent, as independently existent, this mind has a hard time seeing the kindness of others. This mind sees everything as independently existent. For example, there’s a book out there and it’s a book by its own nature. It doesn’t depend on causes and conditions. But when we see some dependent arising: OK, the book is a book, and it became a book depending on parts, depending on label, depending on causes and conditions. Where did the causes and conditions for this book come from? Where did the cover come from? Where did the pages come from? Where did the binding come from?

When we start tracing that back, we see that it is all related to the efforts of other living beings. There was a logger, there was a logging company, trees got chopped down. There is a paper mill and the paper got processed. I don’t even know how they make ink, but somebody made the ink. And then there’s a typesetter and a printer and somebody who made the printing press and the miners, who spend so many hours underneath the ground getting the metal, and the ores which they use to make the printing press. And then there are the trucks who transported the paper to the printer and from the printer to us. And there’s the petrol that fueled the trucks. That came probably from other countries and all the people working in the oil business. And then the people, again the miners, who got the ore that they made the trucks from and all the construction workers working in the hot sun, building the road and the people in the factories making the truck. And it just goes on and on and on, and that’s just for one book.

It is so funny, because when we pick up a book to read, and we just look at it—[we think] here’s this independent object that just spontaneously appeared here for me to use. Of course for me to use, because the world is for me to use. I’m entitled to everything good in the world. The world is here to serve me.This is our self-centered attitude.

But when we really look with some kind of wisdom, it’s like, “Wow, everything is dependent on others.” And how do we know how to read? Here’s a book, but if we can’t read, what good does this book do us? So who taught us to read? Who taught us to speak? All the people around us when we were little kids, kind of spitting and burping and making different sounds, and they taught us to speak, and they understood our baby talk. Baby talk I find very difficult to understand, but parents always understand their kids’ baby talk. I’m kind of going, “Huh?” The parents, they really get it, what their kids are saying. And the kids learn how to speak, and then all the teachers who taught us how to read and people on the school board and the books and all this kind of stuff.

So, so many people helping us throughout our whole lives learning just basic skills that we use every single day to function in this world. People even had to teach us how to eat. They had to teach us how to use a knife and a fork and chopsticks and a plate. Otherwise, what do babies do? Can you imagine going for a job interview, and they offer you lunch? Some people taught us how to eat politely. They taught us how to say thank you, and they taught us so many different things.

When I think about it, it’s just amazing how much we have benefited from others, and how very often we’re totally oblivious to how interdependent we are and how much help we’ve received. Instead, our self-centered mind keeps a very accurate inventory of everything anybody has ever done to harm us. We have a perfect inventory of all of that. We never forget that, when we quarrel with somebody, we have our whole backlog of grudges that we’ve kept in our little mental computer file, that we can use this as ammunition now to attack them when we quarrel with them. “Today you did this, and by the way, 15 years ago you did that, and the whole time you haven’t done this.” You know how it is when we fight with somebody. It starts with the one thing and then we bring in all our ammunition from everything else that we’re disgruntled about. Somehow our self-centered mind keeps an accurate inventory of all the harm we received.

Of course, we have never really checked out if somebody intended to harm us because we just assume when we’re unhappy that somebody intended it. Is that a correct assumption? That whenever we’re unhappy, it’s because somebody intended to harm us by what they said or what they did? That is not a correct assumption, is it? But we function on that basis. Whenever somebody says something that’s a little bit unpleasant for our ears, we assume that they have a bad intention towards us. We never bother to check it out. We just assume it, and we assume they are bad because we feel pain. And even if they did have a bad intention towards us, still, why do we feel bad?

Somehow, we’re like a journalist. You know how the six o’clock news functions on everything that’s wrong in the world, and they very seldom talk about how people benefit each other? Well, our mind is kind of like that. We keep good tabs on everything that’s wrong and how this person insulted me, and that person doesn’t appreciate me, and this one abused me, and that one did this, and this one didn’t do that, and that … there and there and there, and no wonder I am so messed up, and the whole world has been mean and rotten to me. And all the kindness we’ve received, we just kind of look at it and say, “Well that’s nice, but why didn’t you do more?” True or not true?

I just look at myself. I think told you my birthday story, about how my parents had a birthday party for me when I was a little kid, and it was so wonderful, and I was so happy and at the end of the day, I went in my corner and cried because it was going to be a whole year until I had another birthday. I couldn’t go to my parents and say, ”Mommy, daddy, thank you so much for everything you did. I had such a wonderful time.” Instead, what they had was a kid crying because it was going to be another year. I mean, talk about being unappreciative. And they had many other stories to tell you about the things that I did. Actually they don’t remember that one. I remember that one. They remember some other good ones that I did. Just looking at how much we’re taking things for granted and, “Of course I deserve this. In fact I deserve more. How come you didn’t do more for me?”

This whole attitude we have of being oblivious to kindness: it harms us. That sense of entitlement that we have: it really makes us very miserable. It harms us. It destroys our happiness because when we have that sense of entitlement then, no matter what everybody does for us, it’s not enough. Whereas if we don’t have that sense of entitlement, and we train our mind to see others’ kindness, then every small thing becomes significant in our life, and we feel loved, and we feel cared for by others.

The mind that can look and appreciate others’ kindness: that mind actually helps us. We feel, “If I appreciate others’ kindness, it does something for them.” It doesn’t do anything for them. When we appreciate others’ kindness, it does something for us, because our own mind is happier. Our own mind is peaceful. We feel loved and cared for. When you have a self-centered mind, things are really messed up. “If I appreciate you, it’s my gift to you.” It’s my gift to myself. “And if I hold a grudge against you for how rotten you were, my grudge is going to harm you.” My grudge doesn’t harm people that I have the grudge against. They’re doing their lives, they’re living, they’re having tea, enjoying life, but I hold my grudge, and every day I think, “They did this. They didn’t do that. They hurt me in this way. They devastated and ruined my life in that way. I’m going to get my revenge.” Who does that hurt? When I think like that, who suffers as a result? We do. We do. The other person is busy doing whatever they’re doing. I’m sitting here with my grudge. They did something to me one time, and every day I think about it again and again what they did to me, so I do it to myself every day. They did it once, and I do it to myself every day.

Who’s hurting me? My self-centered mind. Who’s torturing me? My self-centered mind. Not this other person. And who gets hurt by the grudge? Me. So it’s a classic example of my self-centered mind inflicting misery on me. Remember our self-centered mind is in us—this other guy over here, this big liar and thief that says, “Follow me. I’ll make you happy.” But the more we follow it, it just turns on us and destroys our happiness, and here’s such a good example. The self-centered mind says, “You don’t need to appreciate anybody else. You work so hard for their benefit, and they don’t appreciate you.” That’s kind of our motto, isn’t it? “I do so much, and all you want is more from me. And you never say thank you. You never appreciate me. You always want me to do more and better and more and better.” That’s how we are, isn’t it? We really have this “gimme” mind. “Gimme this. Gimme that. I want this. I want that. I deserve this. I deserve that.”

Some of the first words we learn as American kids are, “It’s unfair.” You’re a mom, Susan, did your kids know that? Did all of us know that? Yes, some of the first words we learned: “It’s unfair.” “You let my brother and sister do it, why can’t I? It’s unfair. Susie and Johnny across the street get to do it, and you won’t let me – it’s unfair.” We are really good at that one. And meanwhile all the kindnesses we’ve gotten, it just goes by and we don’t even recognize it.

What Dharma is trying to get us to do is switch this around to make us see the conventional reality more accurately. Is it true that sentient beings have not been kind to us? That is not true. That is not true. They have been tremendously kind. Is it true that they’ve always been deficient in what they’ve given us? No, not true. They’ve given us so many things. So it’s really about understanding this dependence and appreciating it. And then what happens is we feel so connected to other people. When you see other people, instead of feeling, “Oh there’s a stranger. Can I trust them? And what are they going to do to me?” Instead, we look and we see, “Wow, here’s somebody who’s been kind to me. They’ve been kind to me in this life by the work they do in their society. They’ve been kind to me in previous lives because they’ve been my parents and raised me with so much care and attention and affection.”

We begin to appreciate the kindness of others. I think that’s so important. And also our parents—to really see the kindness of our parents. OK, our parents didn’t do certain things and whatever, and we acknowledge that, but that’s not everything they were. They did so much, and considering that they’re human beings with faults and problems. If we were parents, do you think we could be perfect parents? Do you think you would be a perfect parent and not have your kid have any hang-ups and screw-ups? Very difficult. How about impossible? Impossible. So we should appreciate our parents for what they have done. They’re just living beings with their own stuff and doing the best that they could considering all this stuff they have to work through. It’s this thing—is the glass half full, the glass half empty? Except here the glass is three-quarters full and only a quarter empty. We can train our mind to see how much we’ve received from others, especially when we think in previous lives that we have all been each other’s parents and taking care of each other and all these other living beings around us who have been our parents taking care of us and who have done so much for us. Having that feeling of a connection with them and wishing them well. That’s so important and, like I said, having this kind of attitude benefits us. It makes our mind happy. It makes us let go of so many of our own mental problems. It is an important realization and an important meditation to do.

It’s funny, before we got the Abbey, I learned many things. Beginning the Abbey, and before I was involved with looking for land and arranging to purchase it and everything, whenever I turned on the faucet, the water came out (except when I was in India). The water comes out when you press the handle on the toilet, and your poo goes away. I just took it all for granted, and then you go to buy something, and, “Oh there’s a ‘Wow,’ and who made the ‘Wow’? What does a ‘Wow’ look like and how does a ‘Wow’ work? How does the water get from the well to the house? And what’s a pressure tank? And who made the pressure tank and how does it get from the pressure tank into the faucet and who made the faucet and sink and the toilet and shower anyway?”

All of a sudden these things that I had taken for granted, I had to learn about and see how many sentient beings were involved in just having a cup of water. And it just blew my mind. Years of turning on the faucet and never even considering the kindness of all those beings that made it possible for me to have a cup of water. I never considered the kindness of the beings who built the septic system that allowed me to push the knob and all that smelly stuff went away. I just totally took that for granted. So it was a big eye opener for me to learn about these things and see how many people are involved in just having the things that we use on a day-to-day basis that we take for granted. It was just amazing. It was a very good experience that way. I thought it just happens naturally and when it doesn’t, we complain. “Why isn’t my water running? Why isn’t my toilet working?” But then when you look at it the other way you think, “Wow, the water ran for so long, and I never appreciated it. The toilet worked for so long, and I never thought twice about it.” This kind of awareness really is so good for our heart. This is the best thing to ease so much of our pain and our feelings of loneliness and our feelings of being unloved and uncared for because we actually begin to see we have very much to be thankful for. We’ve been the recipient of a lot of happiness.

Remind me later on, and I’ll find the chapters in this one book, Finding Freedom by Jarvis Masters. He’s an inmate on death row at San Quentin, and he wrote this beautiful book with vignettes about prison life and about his early life and his parents and there’s a couple of chapters in there that are very moving to me that really pertain to this meditation.

OK, so that isn’t what I planned to talk about this morning. It’s just what came out.

Do you have any questions or comments?

Audience: [inaudible]

Venerable Thubten Chodron (VTC): I think it’s an important meditation to do frequently because it does open up that space in our mind that’s different. It does make more space and receptivity and kindness in our mind. If we just do it once, we say, “Oh yes, that’s true,” and we feel something, and then we let it be. It is something to make a continuous practice. It is very good to do when you’re stuck in a traffic jam and you’re waiting in line, just to think about the kindness of all these people around you.

Audience: [inaudible]

VTC: When you are doing your meditation, you feel grateful for these people who make a book and a table, but when you go out, and you’re driving on the road, you say, “You didn’t do it, and you didn’t do it.” How can you get past it? Well how do you know they weren’t involved in it? You don’t know. You don’t know. And they could have worked in the paper factory.They could have worked at the PUD that gave the paper factory the electricity. They could have been the engineers who designed the dam that made the electricity that gave the paper factory the ability to work. When we look, we don’t know what people’s jobs are, and they could have very well been involved in it. If not directly, then indirectly.

Audience: [inaudible]

VTC: I think it’s helpful when we see people to be able to thank them for what they are doing. I remember Jim, our assayer from the Tri County Health Department. He came out one time, last year or the year before, and he was having to go back in because there was an outbreak that was a flu or something like that, in the schools, and so he was working in the health department and having to arrange inoculations and everything for the students. I remember as he was leaving, I said, “Thank you very much for taking care of all the students” and he stopped, and it was amazing. You got the impression that nobody had ever thanked this man for what he did. Instead he was getting continuous complaints about, “Oh, there is a flu outbreak, what are you going to do about it?” Yet it is so obvious that he’s doing so much to keep us all healthy, but has anybody ever said thank you. Or the construction workers on the road. Do you ever say thank you or do we just think why aren’t you working at 3 o’clock in the morning so that I can drive by without having to stop for you, because it’s really inconvenient for me. Sometimes when we meet people, it’s good to find out the work they do and thank them for it, because one way or another it’s related to us.

Audience: [inaudible]

VTC: Is it inherently natural for us to be selfish? It is not inherent, but for living beings with ignorant minds it is. For ignorant beings with ignorant minds, it’s very natural to be self-centered. Then the question comes, are we going to remain as ignorant beings with limited minds who are self-centered or can we do something about the situation? We don’t want to use this meditation and flip it around and say, “All of you don’t appreciate me enough. You should know this and look and meditate more about my kindness to you and realize how interdependent we are and everything I do for you.” No, that’s not the way we use this meditation.

We use this meditation in terms of opening our eyes and seeing what they’ve done for us. If we use the thing about you know sentient beings—I have a little slogan, it is called “sentient beings do what sentient beings do.” Sentient beings are limited beings with ignorant self-centered minds, so of course they are going to act ignorantly and with self-centeredness. I look at things that way when people do things that don’t meet my agenda and my expectations. So when I’m sitting there holding on to my rules of the universe—the chief one is “everybody should do what I want them to do when I want them to do it”—then when they don’t do that, then I say to myself , “Oh, but they’re sentient beings of course.”

So you see, you use different meditations at different times. When we’re irresponsible, we don’t use the excuse, “Oh, well, I’m a sentient being—of course I’m selfish. So what, no big deal, they’ve just got to get used to it.” That’s not how we think when we’ve done something ungrateful for somebody else. Ok, does that make sense?