Kindness of mothers (all beings)

Yesterday, I watched a film about the Dalai Lama’s mother. It was about mothers in general but especially the Dalai Lama’s mother, and His Holiness was saying that our mother is our first teacher of compassion. But he prefaced that by saying compassion is really what makes our life worthwhile; that kindness is what gives us the energy to live, what gives meaning to our life. Life isn’t just about having our own pleasure, having our own way, being famous and rich and having lots of attention ourselves. Life is really about giving to others, and our mother is our first teacher of that. And I think our mothers often go unrecognized as a teacher of compassion.

I know that for myself, every time my mother tried to get me to share my things, I wailed and said, “Why? These are mine—mine!” [laughter] And yet, our mothers patiently try and teach us just to do the most elementary act of sharing things with others. And yet, our whole life is about sharing, isn’t it? We are always sharing; we have to share. If we don’t share, we can’t survive because we may feel like independent entities, we may feel like we’re in charge of our lives, but in actual fact, everything we have, everything we know, everything we are capable of doing, came because other people encouraged us. Other people saw our talent and enhanced it. They gave us teachings; they did so many things. So, they shared with us their expertise, and yet, we feel that when we benefit from somebody’s expertise, that actually, it’s all our own anyway, that we don’t need to share.

And yet it’s our mother who sits there, when we’re tugging with one of our siblings or something, and says, “Be kind. Share with your brother or sister.” And those are the first lessons that we really take with us in our whole life—when we form relationships out of the sight of our family, as we grow up, form those friendships, start families and so on. Sharing is really the key to that, and that all came from our mother teaching us.

And, of course, our mother teaches us not just by telling us but by modeling, and that’s the most important way that parents teach their kids. My parents tried to get out of it that way—they said, “Do as I say; don’t do as I do.” [laughter] So, I tell you not to lie, don’t lie. But if I lie, don’t copy me. But that doesn’t work as a parent. We have to learn by example, by role models. And so our parents teach us, through how they act themselves, how to deal with difficulties. Of course, some of our parents are better than others in dealing with difficulties. They teach us whatever they’re capable of at any particular moment. They show us whatever they know at that time. And then we learn it.

Hopefully we also do as they say, too, because they do have some wisdom. I don’t know about you, but my mom, and my dad too, they got smarter as I grew up. [laughter] Did your mom and dad get smarter as they aged? When I was 16, my mom and dad were really dumb. [laughter] They didn’t know anything. They were so out of it. They just kept on saying to me, “Just wait until you have kids, then you’ll know.” So, I didn’t have kids. [laughter]

But somehow, the reading that you did was so beautiful that I could imagine my mom saying all of that. I didn’t play football, so luckily she didn’t get cold on the bleachers, but she went through all sorts of other things instead. Our mothers, through their example, really show caring more about others than for themselves. Because when you think about it, having a kid is completely pot-luck. Isn’t it? You have no idea who is moving into your house. [laughter] No idea! And yet you open the door and welcome them in, and you don’t know if they’re going to stay 18 years or 45 years. But you just welcome them in with love. It’s amazing, isn’t it?

If I came to your door and said, “I want to move in for the next 18 to 45 years,” I don’t think you’re going to open your door wide and invite me. And yet, that’s what parents, especially mothers, do. I mean, our mothers invited us into their own bodies. And then all the mischief we get into in life—our mothers are the ones who really hang in there for us.

Mothers of people in prison

 I do a lot of prison work, mostly with men, and for these guys their mothers are the one person who still believes in them. Their mother is the one person who still sends them a birthday card and sends them a Christmas card. And so, most of them say to me, “I behaved abominably toward my parents when I was young, and yet, now here I am in prison, and it’s my mother who is there for me.” And so the mother still sees beauty in her child even if the whole world doesn’t. I’m sure Osama Bin Laden’s mother—if she were alive; I don’t know if she is or not—but I’m sure she sees her child with love in her heart. Because she held him when he was a baby who couldn’t do anything.

People are not born as terrorists. They are born as helpless individuals who are nurtured by the kindness of others. And so, if his mother could see him in beauty and see him with kindness, maybe we can stretch a little bit, too, and realize that nobody is inherently a terrorist. There are no inherently evil people. There are people who were conditioned in different ways, people who come into life with different karma and so on, but there’s nobody who’s inherently evil. And I’m sure the mother of everybody looks at their child with love—no matter what awful thing their child does.

Don’t you think? Many of you are mothers, think of what your kids have done—think of what your kids have done that they haven’t told you. [laughter] There are probably things that you have no idea about and really, you don’t want to know. [laughter] But if you knew, you would still love your child. And so I think the way that a mother loves her child is an example for all of us to cultivate—not only toward those beings who are our children in this life, but towards everybody.

In Buddhism, we say that everybody has been our mother at one time or another because we talk about rebirth; we’ve had previous lives, and we’ll have future lives. So, at one time or another, everybody has been our mother, and when they’ve been our mother, they’ve looked at us with kindness and love and gotten up at two o’clock in the morning to feed us and walked around the house with throw-up on their blouse—everything.

Think about the kindness we’ve been shown by all beings when they’ve been our parents. They may not be our parents in this life, but they have been in the past, and they might be in the future. Instead of seeing people just by how they appear to us in this life, and what we like and what we don’t like, and how we judge and evaluate people, let’s look beyond that and see that when they’ve been our parents, especially our mother, they’ve always shown us so much kindness. And they’ve given up, so often, their own happiness so that we could be happy. And yet, we seldom appreciated it as their children.

Repaying this great kindness

 My dad grew up in the middle of the Depression and my grandma told me one time that very often she would say that she had eaten dinner when she hadn’t so that my dad and my uncle would have food and not feel bad about eating it. This kind of way of cherishing others more than themselves is an example that our mothers show us. If we take that beyond just this lifetime, and if we take that beyond just who we like and who we don’t like, and see that all beings have been our mother and have shown us that kindness, then we too can kind of automatically develop a feeling of wanting to repay that kindness. And so, of course, it’s important to repay the kindness to whoever is our mother in this life, but we also want to repay the kindness to all of our mothers in previous lives, too.

For example, my mother was never interested in Buddhism. She never met any of my teachers. She started one of my books and then put it down. [laughter] And never lifted up another one of my books again—even though she loved to tell the neighbors that her daughter was an author. [laughter] So, I couldn’t share the Dharma, which is the most precious thing in my life, with my own mother. She died two and a half years ago. I couldn’t share it with her, but I share it with you because all of you have been my mothers in previous lives.

 And we may not recognize each other, but if we look at each other in that way, then automatically we feel connected with others. No matter what their “outside package” looks like, no matter what racial or ethnic group or religious group, or gender, or age they are, if we connect in our hearts with all beings having been our mother and having been kind to us, and done things for us—that they wouldn’t have done for anybody else—then automatically the feeling of wanting to repay that kindness comes in our heart. And when we have that feeling of wanting to repay kindness, of wanting to share kindness with others that are around us—everybody who is around us—then our own life has meaning in it and our own life has beauty in it. Doesn’t it?

Sometimes we get hooked on, “I want to show kindness to this person.” But very often, what person we want to show our kindness to doesn’t want our kindness. They’re 16-years-old. [laughter] Remember when you were 16 and you either walked in front of your parents or behind your parents on the street, but you didn’t want to be seen with them? [laughter] Sometimes mothers may want to be kind to their kids, but their kids aren’t ready to receive it at that time. Don’t let that be frustrating for you. Everybody else around you has been your child in previous lives or been your parent in previous lives, and so give your kindness to everybody else around you. Don’t think that kindness can only be given to a few special people, because when we think like that then if those people aren’t ready to receive it, we ache inside. But kindness is something that can be given to everybody and the more we give the more we have.

So, please kind of take that away with you. And when you give kindness, don’t think, “Oh, I have to be Mother Teresa,” or like that—there are so many ways to see kindness. Sometimes it’s just by helping somebody carry something. Or sometimes it’s just by smiling at somebody who needs a smile. There are so many small ways to show kindness that can be really, really important to other people. And so, if we just extend ourselves in that way and do many small acts of kindness, then actually they can become quite big things—not only for others but also for enriching our own heart.