What is Happiness? (Part 3)

In part two of this talk we discussed how our actions influence others and how making connections and being kind hearted in benefiting others are the causes of happiness in ourselves and others. Another cause of happiness is reflecting on the kindness of others and feeling gratitude for them. Right now in our society, we have so much of a sense of grievance. This is the popular theme and the result of identity politics: “I am a this (fill in the blank with whatever you want), and other people are biased against me.” Everybody can feel this right now. Even if you are a rich white male, there’s this feeling that “Everybody is prejudiced against me, and I can’t get into school because of affirmative action.” So, there’s this whole sense of grievance. 

That mind looks at others and doesn’t see kindness. It sees that people are taking advantage of me. They get more of the goodies than I do—whatever the goodies are that we want. This is a perspective on life. This is our lens, our little periscope, through which we see the world. It’s a periscope of ME, I, MY and MINE. It’s that periscope of grievance: “I’m in competition with everybody, and they’re winning. And it’s unfair.” It’s that whole idea that life is unfair, and I’m a loser.

That whole perspective brings misery. We’ve all had that thought that the world is not fair and I feel sorry for myself because it’s not fair. But what the Dharma teaches us is to have a different perspective where what we see is kindness instead of competition. It teaches us to see the world as kind and to see others as helping. I know for myself when I started doing this meditation consistently, it really changed my internal feeling towards life. It was a whole new perspective, and a lot changed inside of me.

In my case, a lot of my unhappiness when I was younger came from the feeling that, “My parents don’t understand me. I want them to understand me, but they don’t, and I’m miserable.” When I encountered Buddhism I started meditating on the kindness of my parents, and I realized that for my whole life I had taken their kindness for granted. Instead of gratitude, I had that feeling of, “I didn’t ask to be born. You had me, so you’re supposed to do everything you can to make your child happy. That’s the definition of being a parent.” I never stopped to realize how kind my parents were. Once I started doing that and thinking of what my mom went through to have me and what my dad went through to support the family, when I started thinking about everything I had received from my education—when I saw how much the world and my family had benefited me—it was really shocking. I began to switch from this grievance mentality of “The world doesn’t understand me” to “Wow, look how kind the world is and how much I’ve received!”

It’s the same with looking at my teachers in school. I remember when I was a freshman in college, one of the requirements was to take an English class. In that class we had to write papers with a topic sentence in each paragraph, and we had to play by all the grammar rules and give oral presentations in front of the whole class. My papers always came back totally marked up with red ink and notes that I had to rewrite it because of grammar and what have you. I really didn’t like the teacher. She was a TA, and why are you a TA? It’s because you need money to do your graduate work. Now I look back on that class, and I can’t even remember her name, but I’m really grateful to the TA who taught it. Look what I have been able to do because of all that rewriting of papers and outlines and learning how to present something in a clear fashion! I’m really grateful to that person.

In the same way, when I was growing up there were lots of opportunities to do things that I didn’t want to do. My parents would say, “You should go and do this. You’re going to enjoy it.” And I would complain: “I don’t want to do this.” The notice came for the opportunity to learn musical instruments, and I didn’t want to do it. I just wanted to play the drum—bang, bang, bang. I didn’t think I would be any good at it, but they made me do it. There were lots of instances where I didn’t want to do things, but they made me do them and told me I would enjoy them. And there were many times that I did actually enjoy them. And even if I hadn’t enjoyed it, what I learned from that experience of doing things that I didn’t want to do has been something that has really helped me in life.

As you go through life, there are many instances where you have to do things you don’t want to do. If every time you don’t feel like doing something you stomp your foot and refuse to do it then you’re going to be miserable. So, they really helped me to see that I could do things I didn’t feel like doing, and I could try things I didn’t think I’d be good at, and it all worked out. It’s really important to have that ability to do things that you don’t want to do in life. 

A recent example

It came up recently when we were in Taiwan. I find Chinese robes incredibly difficult to wear, and I had to because I was there. It was a struggle, but I did it. [laughter] And I was a little bit sloppy. When I was there for ordination, I always got my collar fixed, and this time, the first day I was there the head nun came behind me and fixed my collar. [laughter] They fixed my robes and told me how to improve. That’s life. [laughter] We don’t always get to do what we want to do, so it’s an important ability to see the kindness of people and learn that we can do things we don’t want to do.

During the recent ordination, the guides talked a lot about appreciating what they are doing. I tell you, it’s not easy to be a guide in the ordination. Do you think that they enjoy giving you a talk at every meal about how to make your bed and how to make sure the corners of your quilt are folded exactly right? Do you think they enjoyed telling you not to talk during quiet time or reminding you to be on time or to walk through the hall in an orderly fashion? It’s not fun to remind people of these things, especially when they’re adults, not children. Yet they continued to do it, and they reminded you that they are doing it because they care about you. And you all came out of that experience really appreciating it, didn’t you? So, even if there were things that were difficult, you saw the benefit. And when we benefit from what other people do, it’s kindness even though we may not realize that until later. 

Gratitude leads to happiness

Changing our perspective on life to one of kindness really helps us feel gratitude. Gratitude is a wonderful feeling to have because then you see how rich your life is and how much you’ve received. You see how much people have benefited you and how good you have it. So, it’s a change of perspective from “What am I missing” and “I want more and better” to “Wow, I have so much” and “What did I do to deserve this?”

When I was born people fed me and clothed me, turned me over and changed my diaper, and cleaned me up when I made a mess. And I didn’t appreciate anything everybody did. I just thought about myself all the time: “What I want, what I feel like doing, what benefits me.” That perspective makes us profoundly unhappy because we can’t control the rest of the world and what other people do. When we see kindness there’s a feeling of gratitude, and when we feel gratitude the whole world looks beautiful. And then when we approach any person—even those who have harmed us—we can see that the people who have harmed us have actually benefited us. When you can do that, then you really can change your circumstances.

I had an experience of doing that when I was teaching at DFF (Dharma Friendship Foundation) many years ago. It was my birthday, and the people at the Center were doing something for my birthday. One of the people who was really instrumental in the operation of the center didn’t come that night and instead somebody else brought me a card that he had written that said basically, “I’m having some issues with Buddhist teachings, and I’m going to stop coming.” I was really shocked because he was instrumental to operations, and I thought, “Now I have to do more work. Nobody else is going to step up to the plate. And anyway, we had worked in tandem and then he just quit without even talking to me.” I was really upset. Needless to say, I was also quite angry. “Poor me!”

This went on for a while, and I was totally miserable. And then I went into retreat, and during retreat you’re meditating and looking at your mind and thinking about the teachings. I came to realize that the problem was not that this person had stopped doing what I wanted them to do. The problem was that I had unrealistic expectations. If I had not had these unrealistic expectations then what he had done would not bother me because sentient beings do what sentient beings do. And sometimes volunteers sometimes need a break or things come up in their minds and they need space to think and process stuff. So, I realized the problem was not him. He was just doing what he needed to do. The problem was my unrealistic expectations. That’s when I realized, “Wow, the people that harm you actually help you.” Because for me, starting to look at my unrealistic expectations really changed my outlook on life. I now had a way to prevent harm: don’t expect people to do things they haven’t agreed to do. Don’t expect people to never change their minds or to never have problems. That has really helped to prevent a lot of problems and unhappiness with other people in my life, and I have to look back and thank him.

As it turned out, months and months went by, and he contacted me and apologized. To this day, he makes donations to the Abbey. So, labeling somebody as an enemy when they don’t do what you want is really ridiculous. Change the perspective and learn from the situation, and then that enemy becomes a teacher. Who knows, that enemy may even become a benefactor like in this situation. 

Repaying the kindness of others

The whole point of this story is that happiness comes from our perspective, not from external sense objects or people. We are the ones who determine if we are going to be happy or if we’re going to be miserable. And that’s just talking about the happiness of this life. Especially when we understand the law of karma, then we can rejoice in other people’s virtue when they help us, and we can rejoice in our own virtue. And rejoicing in virtue really makes you happy.

At the ordination, we wanted to get a big gong for the Buddha Hall because our little one doesn’t make a sound that’s going to resonate in a big room, and we wanted to get a wooden fish. And then when we were at Pu Yi Nunnery in Taipei, the Abbess introduced us to someone who had done this for their temple, and we asked him the price, and it was astounding. I couldn’t believe how expensive it was to get a gong and a fish. It was really expensive. And then a benefactor turned up. An anonymous benefactor said, “I want to do this for the Buddha Hall.” 

Then we got to Fo En Si Temple where the ordination was being held, and we started talking about getting a bell. At Chinese temples they ring a bell in the morning and in the evening, and our room was not far from the main hall, so we heard this every morning and evening. It was beautiful to wake up to the sound of the bell, especially when there’s this story that the sound of the bell alleviates the suffering of hell beings for a short period of time. There’s a whole story behind it that I don’t have time to tell right now, but it was really beautiful. The bell and the drum in the morning was beautiful, and it really roused you and made you want to get up and do your practice. And at the end of the day the bell and the drum was a reminder that we had spent the day creating merit and doing things that were meaningful, and we went to sleep happy with a sense of a life well lived. So, we wanted to get a bell and a drum for the Buddha Hall also.

I always do circumambulations in the evening and walk around, and there was a vendor with a little shop who came out to talk to me, and he said, “I hear you want to get a bell. I’ll help you.” I found out later that it was because of the Abbess—that’s what we called Venerable Hong Ding who is the one behind the whole program; she’s not the official Abbess, but she is the force behind everything and has great energy. All the people involved were full of such good energy. For example, the head Bhikshuni guide was eighty years old, and she directed the whole program. The monks go to her to ask advice because she’s an expert in ordinations. She was chanting and giving instructions and even fixing my collar once—after that Venerable Damcho took over. These people were amazing. 

Anyway, she had heard that we were looking for a bell, and she knew the vendor, Ivan, who had friends who made the bell. And the Abbess grew up in the area where they made the drums, and it was actually one of her classmates who made them. So, she took us out to find the bell and the drums, and it was amazing to see all of these connections. It was amazing to see how they were polishing the bell and then going where they were making the wooden fish. That guy who makes them was a true artisan. His whole heart went into making the wooden fish, and he did such a wonderful job. And then when we went to the drum place where she was talking to her classmate, we were trying out different drums, and she just said, “I know you want a bell and a drum, and I’m going to talk to my disciples, and we’ll cover the cost.” We were just floored because these things are super expensive—really expensive! And we don’t have the money yet to finish the whole building. And she just said, “We’ll cover it.”

You experience this kind of generosity and automatically somebody stingy like me wants to reciprocate. You can’t help but reciprocate because you are the recipient of kindness and we human beings are connected to each other, so when you experience kindness you want to give kindness. Yes, Sangha members can give little bits here and there and we can offer money when others give it to us, but our real way of reciprocating is by teaching, giving Dharma counseling, leading meditation and just living in precepts and being a model for people who can see that when you live an ethical life you are happy. That inspires them and then people are meditating to develop love and compassion. And that inspires the world.

It makes you want to reciprocate because you feel gratitude. So, again, my experience watching all of you at the ordination program was that you felt a sense of gratitude and appreciation for what they were doing. This ordination program is not easy to run. There were about 230 people, and this was a small one. When Venerable Pema went there were 700 people, so this was a small one and you got more personal attention. Everywhere people were helping. 

They had over 100 volunteers because to run this program you need volunteers. Without the volunteers it would be impossible. Tenzin Kenru was there volunteering for a month, so he did the outside circle for about a week and then volunteered to work in the kitchen. He was getting up at 2:30 to work in the kitchen! He had to chop the vegetables the night before. There were all these people working so hard to chop vegetables and cook them. We were eating on the fourth floor, so they had to bring all the food up four floors, and you had so many people serving it. That’s not an easy task to serve food to 230 people. There was no buffet.

 And then in the middle of the morning there was a snack, and there was one person who volunteered to cover the expense of the snacks every single morning. He benefacted all of the snacks. I couldn’t eat any of them, but lots of people liked them. And just the thought of somebody volunteering to benefact snacks for people who were there to learn how to live a virtuous life and to benefit sentient beings is amazing. The merit he created and all of you created and all the volunteers created was amazing. Being able to rejoice in that really brought a lot of peace and happiness to the heart. 

So, gratitude and seeing kindness: these are the ways to go. And then you create this virtuous karma and merit, and there’s so much to rejoice at. And then that makes the time when you die peaceful because you don’t have regrets and you had a sense of purpose of following the path and being as kind as you could during your life. You can die in a peaceful way without regret and without fear of what your future life is going to be. When we look at our own experience of what creates happiness, this is it.

Part 1 of series:

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