选择还是不选择

嗡啊哼

This year I had the fortune to come to the Abbey for retreat, and the experience was truly amazing. Here Dharma is everywhere you look, and the activities in the daily schedule are a constant reminder to practice and take advantage of the precious opportunity we have. Many times I was in awe and felt filled with gratitude for the kindness received from the community. At night when the sky was overflowing with diamond-like stars I would ask myself “Am I dreaming?” I really felt great love and compassion from everyone here.

然后在今年的静修中，令我惊讶的是，我发现自己反复想到 愤怒. I was irritated more easily than during any other retreat I have attended and asked myself, “Why do I have so much antagonism while I’m in such a perfect place for practice?” Although the 愤怒 没有达到无法控制的程度，这是一个持续的、唠叨的声音，抱怨日程安排，计划外的 提供 service hours, the topic, the time available for sleep, the time available for study, the “rush” to get things done and go to the next activity, etc. I started to feel resistance and discomfort, yet was unable to pinpoint the reason or completely release the thoughts.

During retreat I was introduced to the teachings of NVC (Non-Violent Communication), created by Marshall B. Rosenberg. This program is based on getting in touch with our feelings and needs, listening with empathy to ourselves and others, recognizing the violence and harm created when we are out of touch with these, and learning to take responsibility for our feelings, thoughts, and actions. The program teaches a language that can help create a connection with others in which “natural giving” is possible. This giving is done with joy and the desire to contribute to life rather than out of fear of punishment, guilt, duty, or shame.

One day some of us were watching an NVC video where there was a role play about a real situation in which a manager didn’t know how to work with an employee who was continually late and caused conflict with coworkers. In a pivotal moment Rosenberg asked the audience, “What need does the employee have that is so strong that it interferes with others’ well-being?” Jack paused the video so we could think about this. Initially my mind was blank. I couldn’t see his need. Jack played the video again and Voila, there it was in plain sight—the employee’s unmet need was one that I also had but until then was not aware of. He needed autonomy.

Recognizing that need in myself was like taking a huge rock off my back. In a moment it was like seeing through a tunnel displaying reams of memories in which I had fought with myself because I needed autonomy and projected “They’re restricting me” and “They’re trying to  control me.” I projected this on to everyone I perceived to be an authority. Most of my life I had been in conflict with people I have perceived as authorities. For years I had done the opposite of what society wanted me to do; I have been rude and uncooperative, because I thought people and society in general were trying to restrict my autonomy.

I saw how much mental energy and precious time I had wasted, how much suffering I had experienced and how much suffering I had caused others when I thought they were trying to  make me behave as a “good” person should, to be where I was “supposed” to be, do what I “had” to do, to say what was “correct” or “appropriate,” to have a “real” education, to be a “good” team player, and on and on. I realized that for years my mind had been filled with concrete labels and judgments.

I also remembered how sad and depressed I was when I was doing what is “right” and trying to be a “good” person—in short, trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be—ignoring my own inner wisdom. Around my second year in college I started to rebel, and have done so for years since. I saw the world as an “unfair” place. It didn’t matter whether I rebelled or did what was “good” and expected of me, I didn’t feel inner peace.

I realized that in my confusion I thought that being rebellious would give me the autonomy I needed. How wrong I was! Thinking I was fighting external authorities, I was actually fighting myself. I was the one telling myself I had no choice, that I “should” do this or that.

Once I recognized my unseen need for autonomy, it was clear to me that I wasn’t fighting with anyone on the outside, but was in constant battle with my inner judge, the self-centered thought that created the story that it was “me against the world.”

Once I saw myself reflected in the person in the NVC video, I was able to understand why I continuously arrived late to wherever I was going, even when I could have arrived on time. Now I understand why I have quit jobs when I thought what they were asking me to do was not what I wanted to do. I was going against the grain with no skill and was even causing harm to others because the afflicted thought “they’re taking away my independence” would infuriate me, and with that kind of thinking, everyone loses.

最令人惊奇的是，在现实中，我一直拥有自主权。 我一直都有选择。 我不需要反抗社会结构、权威或任何外界的人。 带来真正自由的反抗，就是反抗以自我为中心的思想。 跟随以自我为中心的思想是监狱。 它让我别无选择，只能表现出我的精神痛苦。 它限制了我的自主权，不允许我接触自己善良的心并从那个空间行动。

当我们做出富有同情心的选择时，我们会考虑他人的感受并考虑如何使他们受益。 这给了我们选择做什么的自由； 它让我们有机会选择如何做出贡献。 随之而来的是一种巨大的创造力和喜悦的结合，工作变成了一种职业，一件艺术品，一件杰作，一个 提供 爱。

每时每刻，我们所有人都可以选择和自由地以有益的方式思考。 我们不断地选择要遵循什么想法以及如何看待自己和他人。 现在我处于一个精神境界，在这里我可以选择最能满足我内心的事情——尽我所能修持佛法，以最大程度地利益众生。 一个优点是在闭关时我可以和 僧伽. Now I can choose to be kind because in my heart I want to, not because I have to be “good.” I can choose to cooperate with others because I care about them; I don’t have to prove my autonomy to anyone.

After this experience I can see how many other needs are interlinked with autonomy—support, empathy, appreciation, consideration, understanding, peace, rest, fun, meaning, and accomplishing dreams and goals. I now check why I do various activities and choose to do them with the best motivation I can create. Things that were unwanted chores before no longer seem like tasks but are opportunities to help others. They are gifts, challenging growth tests to see if the heart has really opened. Rosenberg’s statement, “Don’t do anything that is not play” came alive, and I remembered, “highest truth is highest joy.”

这次撤退深刻地改变了我。 这让我想到，在混乱的世界中创造和平不是通过改变外面的世界来实现的，而是通过改变我对事物的看法，通过用我自己的思想工作并尽我所能培养爱来实现的。 这是创造和平的真正方式。